


Watching You Without Me.

by apodixis



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-16
Updated: 2012-01-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 10:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/294859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apodixis/pseuds/apodixis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an AU where the cylons never attacked, Kara and Lee reunite on the Battlestar Galactica five years after its decommissioning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kara hesitated at the entrance to the senior pilots’ quarters, a room that she had occupied for nearly two years prior to the old girl’s decommissioning. There were a lot of memories there, just like the rest of the walls and pathways held, and as she gazed in through the open hatchway, she felt transported back to the days when she had called this place home. She stepped in to the room and the first thing she noticed was just how different her footsteps sounded compared to the sense memory in her head. It was her lack of military issued boots, having come to Galactica for the first time not dressed like a soldier. It wasn’t just her shoes that were off, though, but the feel of smooth fabric against her skin in contrast to the roughness of fatigues and uniform, her hair past her shoulders instead of cropped tight and short.

Her hand ran along the table still left in the middle of the room for posterity’s sake, fingers slipping to skim just an inch of the underside to feel for a very specific set of carvings left behind. She wasn’t sure what the Colonial Fleet had done to the aging battlestar after it was clear of all crew and personnel, if they had gone in and replaced a number of the most dilapidated items or simply just given everything a good washing for all the tourists. Fingerprints caught eventually and Kara crouched down, pushing aside one of the matching chairs to crawl underneath. It was dark, but enough light filtered in to let her find what she was looking for.

There, scratched into the ceiling the table made were a handful of names, all done with varying degrees of finesse. There was Dipper’s carved in steady block letters, Jolly’s barely scratched in at all. Duck’s hung close to Nora’s own neat name and it brought a smile to her cheeks to remember how the couple used to be back then, unsure of if they had anything at all while carefully skirting around the frat regs. It was three years ago when she was invited to their wedding, and only the previous year when she received a photo and birth announcement in the mail, showcasing the daughter born to the two Viper pilots she called friends. Her own call sign was towards the center of the underside of the table and she squinted to make it out in the dark. Starbuck.

The sound of footsteps alerted her to the fact that while she was on her trip down memory lane another person had entered, leaving her not as alone as she had once been. Most people tended to stick to the guided tours of the Battlestar Galactica, preferring to have someone point out all the interesting nooks and crannies of the ship while keeping them from getting lost in the A-shaped hallways of the ship. She had opted for the self guided tour, not needing to even take a map from the person behind the desk when she’d paid her entrance fee. Whomever had joined her had thought much of the same.

“This is where the pilots sleep,” the voice said as he circled the room, rounding the table.

Kara remained unmoving beneath the table, not sure how to crawl out without both making a fool of herself and startling the other person occupying the same space. She watched the heavy and slow footsteps, listening to them narrate aloud. It struck her as odd, a person talking to themselves in the middle of the dying ship, but a second later it was made astoundingly clearer.

“Down!” A childs’ voice rang out.

“You can’t run off, you remember what happened in the flight pod?” The man’s voice asked the child he carried in his arms. They had narrowly avoided disaster as the young boy had darted away and knocked down the velvet ropes, not understanding their meaning, and towards the more delicate relics. A passing tour guide had nearly had a coronary at the sight.

“Down!”

Kara could hear the struggle between father and son, the child presumably squirming to get free, determined as anything, while his father held on tight to reign him in. The boy won out in the end, though, because soon there was the extra pitter patter of feet echoing in the tiny bunk room and she could finally see the child himself, dressed in a pair of tiny blue jeans and a grey jacket. He immediately ran for the nearest closet door, tugging roughly on it until it opened, peering inside.

“Nothing here,” he stated with disappointment.

“No one’s lived here for a long time,” his father answered.

There was something familiar to the voice, but Kara, still tucked beneath the table, couldn’t place a finger on it.

“Where did they go?”

His father seemed to contemplate it for awhile, the boy moving on from the closet in an attempt to climb up onto one of the racks and the neatly made bed. “Some went to other battlestars, some went home to their families, some went to other planets.”

Kara continued to watch, the little boy bouncing on his knees on the bed, though it failed to give off any kind of bounce, much unlike the one he probably had at home. He was a bundle of energy, going from bouncing to throwing himself down on the bed like he was one of the people that had lived there in years and decades past. He rolled from side to side for a moment before coming to the edge where he stopped, eyes directly on her and where she was under the table. Eyelids widening, his hand raised and pointed. “Daddy! There’s a lady under there!”

“What?” For a second he imagined the kind of things that he knew soldiers tended to have plastered on their bunk room walls after months lonely out in space. How the crew that turned the battlestar into a museum could have missed pulling off one of these undressed magazine clippings from a table or chair, he didn’t know.

“A lady!”

She was busted. Just as she was about to climb out and reveal herself, the larger figure bent down on one knee, pulling a chair out to get a look.

“Kara?” The man asked.

She was frozen in place as he came into view and suddenly she knew why he had sounded familiar to her those moments before. At the end of the table was the face of Lee Adama, his features a twisted mix of shock and amusement. Kara let a smile take over for her, unable to keep it down when put in his line of sight. “Hi, Lee.”

“Kara… what are you… why are you under there?”

The sound of tinier feet rang out again and soon enough the space created next to Lee by the removal of a chair was filled with the little boy, dipping his head and body just enough to get a look in. “I told you, Dad,” he said with pride.

Lee took his son’s hand as he stood and stepped back, allowing Kara some clearance when she crawled out, her hands immediately going to try to fix her clothing from the rumpled mess she’d turned into. “I was looking at the names underneath, we carved them the day before we left,” she reported as her hands brushed back her hair. With herself a fraction more put together she lifted her eyes to fully regard him this time, able to take in the details of his face properly with the room fully illuminated. He was older, there was no question of it, but she realized that it was mostly because when she thought of Lee Adama, she thought of him from over seven years ago, the time before and surrounding his brother’s death. They had crossed paths on that very battlestar for only a few minutes on the day of the decommissioning, but it hadn’t been long enough to put a new image of him permanently into her head.

His head nodded as he took in her words and explanation, an awkward tension settling between them. He had thought of her over the last five years, since seeing her behind the bars of the jail cell, never truly knowing what had become of her. Lee knew his father would have known, but even after they had begun talking again after the birth of Joseph, he was never quite sure how to bring her name up without giving away the truth of a number of things between them.

“Long time,” she said, almost shy, though her gaze then shifted down to the boy with a hand curled into the fabric of his father’s slacks, looking up at her with curiosity.

She had heard Lee had become a father, perhaps six months after Galactica had been pulled from service, but never expected to come face to face with the product of his loins. Adama had showed her a photo when she saw him a few months after the birth. Preserved forever down on paper, had been Lee Adama, smiling wider than she’d ever seen before with his newborn son swaddled in his arms. Her chest had clenched with jealousy when she saw it, for a number of reasons she wasn’t sure she would ever be ready to deal with. Now there that child was, grown and a few months shy of five years old, the spitting image of his father, although his hair was blonder than she had ever seen on Lee himself.

“Hi,” she offered to the child with a raise of her hand.

He smiled and pulled himself in a little closer towards his father for protection. “Hi.”

“Joseph,” Lee started, looking down to his son then across at the only other adult in the room. “This is Kara. Kara, this is Joseph. Kara’s a friend of mine and your Uncle Zak.” He kept the details simple for the boy, not wanting to delve further into the reality of things.

The mention of Zak made her smile, finally enough distance between his death and her currently to take away some of the complete overwhelming pain she used to feel. He had been dead before this child was born and yet, Lee had continued to keep his brother’s memory alive. For that, she was happy. She extended her hand to the boy, surprised to find that he understood the gesture and placed his smaller one in hers. With a shake that sealed their introduction, Kara motioned towards the bunk he had been previously playing in as she stepped closer to it. “This was my bunk.”

“You’re a pilot?”

“Uh-huh,” she nodded and her face beamed with the pride she always felt when saying that to someone for the first time. “I’m even better than your dad.”

Joseph looked skeptical as he looked back up to his father, though Lee was already shaking his head in denial. “You wish, Starbuck.”

Kara smirked, her cheeks feeling the hint of heat at how well she knew the usual exchange of words between them already. It was like no time had passed, except it had, and there was one tiny human between them that attested to it.

“What are you up to these days?” Lee ventured to ask her, leaning down to scoop up his son, holding him to his hip for support.

Her shoulders rolled up in a shrug as she moved away from where her bunk had been, though she didn’t close the distance between them. “I was on Pegasus for awhile, then training nuggets on Picon. Now I’m back here.”

“Teaching?”

“Teaching.” It had been a position she’d been offered again years ago, but had turned it down due to the associations she had with the base near Delphi. That had been where she trained Zak, where she’d fallen in love, and where she’d been when she lost it all even quicker. Seven years later and only now did Kara feel ready to finally start healing and letting things go. “Your Dad told me you’ve got some cushy office job with the Fleet now.”

“Not exactly what I wanted to be doing.”

“I remember.”

“But I get to be with Joseph when it’s my turn and the pay is…” His words trailed off.

“Disgustingly good?”

He held back his laugh though some of it made it through. “Something like that.” His hand raised to rub at his son’s back, feeling the boy start to doze against his shoulder.

“It was good to see you, but I should let you go, probably getting past his nap time—do kids that age still take naps?” How little she knew about children came out.

“Mmhmm,” Lee nodded, his weight shifting gently back and forth on his feet, the soft rocking motion he learned on his first day as a father coming out as he tried to help coax his son to sleep.

Kara watched the pair they made, taking in all the differences in the man he was now and the man he had been back then. He’d been legally an adult, a fine soldier and officer, but he had been little more than a boy back in the days when she and Lee shared a friendship. Now, though, he was grown up, as much as anyone ever could be. She turned to leave, but paused her movements as Lee spoke again.

“Kara—wait.”

“Yeah?” She turned to look at him again, thankful for another reason to drink his presence in one more time.

“Did you eat?”

It took a moment for his question to sink in and in response, she shook her head. “No, not yet.”

He closed the gap of space between them, leading the way out the hatch, though he didn’t leave without making sure she was at his side. “I heard the food’s better than it used to be.”

For the first time since she set foot inside Galactica, she wasn’t plagued by memories, both bad and good. All she saw was him. “Yeah? Somehow I don’t believe it.”

  
—

  
It was a few weeks before they saw each other again after their run-in on the decommissioned Battlestar Galactica. This time, they were planet side, both within the atmosphere of Caprica. Kara sat on her knees on lush green grass, a cellophane bundle of mixed flowers laid out before her in offering. She was there for Gods knew how long, alternating between quiet contemplation and speaking to herself in a soft tone, before she leaned forward and kissed the carved stone in front of her. Instead of pulling back right away, she placed her palm against the gravestone as well, her forehead resting into it like it made her closer to the person beneath her own body. With her eyes shut, Kara lost track of time and the world around her, surrendering herself and what little control she had to the elements.

When she finally did pull away, she wasn’t alone anymore, something she could easily tell by the shadow cast by the person beside her. Kara didn’t need to turn her head to know who it was, though it could have been a number of people. A breeze cut through the air and caught the scent of his familiar cologne, her nostrils breathing in the whisper of who the man was. In any other moment of vulnerability, she may have been embarrassed, but not like this and not with him.

Lee was the first one to speak, and he didn’t do so until he kneeled down beside her, his own wrapped dozen or so of flowers on the grass. “I haven’t seen you here on his birthday before,” and he hadn’t, in all the years since his brother’s death. Come hell or high water, no matter where he was in the universe, Lee had always made sure to take his leave during the couple of days that coincided with his brother’s birthday just to visit him and be close.

She cleared her throat, eyes still stuck on the name before them both, Zakary Adama. “First time I was nearby for it.” That wasn’t completely the truth of it either, though it was the easy answer. Kara hadn’t been brave enough to visit him many times before, especially not on the anniversary of the day he left the worlds and the day he came into it. Closing in on a decade since his departure, she was only now ready to begin gaining some closure on the matter. It wasn’t that the pain was any less, no, she felt the ache of his death in her just as solidly as she did the day the news came to her. It just became easier to deal with, to realize and accept that it would be with her as long as she lived, and that she would have to go on with herself anyway.

Next to her, Lee leaned in like she had just done before, lips touching briefly into the stone bearing his late brother’s name. He pulled back and sighed loudly, his body visibly slumping once his ritual was over with. Lee knew he could stay there forever like that, feeling the warm sun on his face and the moisture of the grass seeping into the knees of his pants, knowing his brother was just a few feet below him. He didn’t though, instead moving to lie down on the grass upon his back, both arms tucked up beneath his head as he laid parallel to his brother’s coffin.

Kara blinked as she watched his sudden shift, then gave in and mirrored his actions until she was beside him, eyes shut to the sky with her forearms crossed underneath the back of her skull. She didn’t expect to see anyone there even though it was Zak’s birthday, but she was glad for it. To be reminded that there was someone that still felt his loss after seven years was both comforting and depressing at the same time. Comforting to not be alone, but depressing because she never would have wished the pain she felt on anyone else. She had only known Zak for a year when he died, Lee had been his brother since the day Zak was born. For the man beside her, it was a different kind of loss, but shared just the same.

“Do you remember that time we all went out to my grandfather’s cabin for a few days?” Lee asked.

“And the shower stopped working halfway through so we had to bathe in the lake?” There was already a hint of a laugh to her words. “That girl you brought made you take her to catch a bus home, she was so mad.”

“It’s not like it was my fault…”

“Things were better without her.” Opening her eyes, she squinted against the sun and turned her head to regard him. “Whatever happened to her?”

“Nothing. We were barely seeing each other at all, I just didn’t want to be the third wheel so I asked her to come.”

Kara said nothing, but corrected the angle of her neck until she was looking back up towards the cloudless sky, eyes closed just enough to protect them from the harsh brightness of the sun that burned nearby.

“You came out all the way from Delphi?”

She nodded, mostly to herself. “Had the day off.”

Lee pushed himself up onto his elbows, leaning back on them as he surveyed the rows of grave sites around them. He could remember the day they buried Zak there, even down to the smell of the air and the temperature of it on his skin, the look on Kara’s face as she stoically tried to play the soldier instead of the lover, and the weight of the anger that burned in his chest at his father. That was years ago, though, a lifetime away.

“I should probably get going,” Kara said as she pulled herself into a seated position. It wasn’t that she wanted to go and the tone of voice she used indicated her reluctance.

One arm of his stretched forward, tips of his fingers brushing at small flecks of brown and green, little bits of dirt and grass that clung to her back and the visible portion of the seat of her pants. It was a move made on pure instinct, acting as if she was an extension of himself and looking to remove the detritus, and only when he saw her head turn did Lee realize what he’d done. The worst of it was that he wasn’t apologetic, at least not internally, for breaking the unspoken rules of personal space and barriers that existed between most people. Kara’s eyes were on him, Lee’s own meeting hers, as his skin lingered against her back, trying to will himself to pull away. It was an innocent gesture, at least it had started that way, but now faced with the burning gaze from her, he felt his own temperature start to boil. “You’ve got a long drive. Let me make you dinner.” His words carried a boldness he hadn’t felt in years.

Kara could still feel the light pressure of his hand to her back, and every square centimeter of her that he had touched felt the echo of his skin previously on her. It scared her how much he could work her over with only the gentlest of movements, and though she would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought of him over the last few years, she was genuinely surprised at how much her skin beneath her clothing responded to him like he was familiar. More familiar than he ever should have been.

A moment ago they had been talking about Zak, thinking about the way their lives had once been when they were still practically children instead of Lee now having his own, and suddenly the thing furthest from her mind was the man buried down beneath them. Years ago, she would have pulled away from him and what she knew a touch like that meant out of guilt and honoring his brother’s memory, but the will and power of it had been lost to her seven years out. Kara nodded, the angle at which her head was turned causing her cheek to gently rub against her shoulder. “Okay.”

—

Kara followed him all the way back to the small home he kept. Her car, bulkier and barely still holding itself together, was in perfect contrast to Lee’s own smaller and more practical sedan, and as she stared at the license plate affixed to the back of his vehicle the entire way there, she couldn’t help but realize even something like the cars they chose to drive were the perfect comparison for who they were as people. He was safe and dependable, and she… she was none of those things, or at least she hadn’t ever been before. When she wasn’t busy thinking about how odd her car would look parked behind his in the middle of the suburbs where he of course lived, Kara’s time was occupied with trying to not let herself lose her nerve for whatever the night was supposed to be. It was just dinner, that was all they had said and agreed to, but unlike on the Battlestar, dining in the mess hall that she’d eaten in for years before, there was no buffer of his sleeping son between them or the presence of other tourists lined up to pretend to be soldiers for a single meal. What she was both worried and excited for was everything else unsaid between the lines.

She put her car into park behind his in the empty driveway, pulling reflexively at the emergency break though it had stopped working years ago. Lee got out of his in front of her, hand raised in a wave, the expression on his face something of surprise—like he was shocked to see that she hadn’t actually turned off at another exit, cut bait and run. She was sure he had kept an eye on her from his rearview mirror the entire time though, and the fact that he actually did the speed limit so he didn’t lose her behind the other cars on the roadways both made her smile and infuriated her. Like she was as a Viper pilot, she tended to have a heavy foot when it came to the gas pedal of her car.

“You drive like an old man,” she said with a smile as she climbed down from the extra height her vehicle sat at. “Just not your Old Man.”

“I don’t know how both of you haven’t had your licenses pulled for how many tickets you’ve probably gotten.” Lee led the way up the front path.

“I haven’t been here long enough for it, but I’ll probably have to call in some favors eventually.” She looked up to the house as they approached. It seemed odd for him to have it for himself, though she began to wonder if this had been the house he had shared with Gianne and Joseph before things hadn’t worked out. She didn’t really want to know the answer to it.

“See this walk?” His hand gestured to the stones upon which they stood, keys jingling in his hand as he did so. “I laid it myself.”

“Wow, Lee, you’ve gotten domestic.” Her eyebrows rose, looking to her feet as she suddenly felt the need to tread softer. She could imagine Lee on his hands and knees for a weekend out in front of the home, digging up the dirt, laying down the cement and fitting the stones all into place. It would have taken him longer than the average person, she thought, because by the perfect edges and interlocking pieces, Lee would have made sure every inch of it was in the proper place before being happy with his work. “Where’s Joseph?”

The front door opened with a light push to it, and he stepped in, holding it open for her as she followed inward to take in the details. There were photos on the walls, mostly of Joseph in varying stages of growth, turning from the tiny infant he started off as and down into what looked like a pre-school portrait.

“With his Mom. I’ve got him tomorrow for the weekend.” With both of their keys set aside on the nearby table, Lee turned to find her attention elsewhere. “That one was from earlier this year. He was so scared on the first day, Gianne and I were both there with him, showing him into his classroom and putting his coat away in his cubby and he just followed us around crying the whole time, I thought we—-”

Her focus was on him as he spoke, rather than the picture, studying the new expressions he wore when he talked of his son. She’d seen a lot of the looks he gave over the years, in fact, up until this moment, Kara would have said she’d seen them all. These, though, they were all new, showing a kind of happiness and serenity she knew she had never experienced.

“Sorry.” Lee blushed and ducked his head, hand rubbing at his scalp to hide himself away.

“No, it’s okay,” she insisted, her hand gently tugging at his wrist, giving him permission not to be shy or ashamed. “I like hearing about him.”

He softened as she spoke. It had been easy to think of Kara Thrace as Starbuck and nothing else, but this was one of those moments she was devastatingly honest with him, whether she knew it or not. “It’s nothing really, we just thought we would have to take him home with us because he was so inconsolable.”

“What happened?” Her voice gave away her genuine interest.

“He made a friend. A girl there who wanted him to sit next to her at their table and he forgot all about us.”

Her lips spread wide across her face, quiet laughter leaving the back of her throat. “So he’s like all Adama men, then? Just takes a pretty girl and they’ll do whatever she wants.”

Lee’s cheeks warmed further, not looking across to her in hopes she wouldn’t do the same. “Doomed to follow the rest of us.”

The moment passed, bringing them back to the present and away from the series of thoughts that plagued them both. “Bathroom?” She asked in a shyer voice than she had only a minute before.

“Down the hall, on the right.”

She followed the succinct directions, shutting the door and locking it behind her to seal herself away. After flushing the toilet, Kara rinsed her hands and took a look at herself in the mirror. Gods, she was a mess, her hair windblown and in slight disarray, her hands trying to quickly finger-comb it all back into some kind of proper place. She splashed some water over her face, drying her skin with the nearby hand towel neatly hung in place. Kara was careful to leave everything where she found it, not wanting to be the usual tornado that she was, leaving a mess in her wake wherever she went. When she’d finally found the courage to step back outside the bathroom, she followed the only sounds in the home to the kitchen to find Lee standing at the refrigerator. Both doors were pulled open as he stared in, as if waiting for some of the contents to jump out at him.

“Drink?” He asked with a lift of his head, reaching to the door to pull out a pair of beers.

Kara nodded back to him and when he popped the caps off of both of them, she took one of the offered bottles, bringing the opening of it to her lips. “I probably shouldn’t have agreed to come here for dinner,” she said after swallowing down a mouthful. “I remember how bad of a cook you used to be.”

“Hey—” Lee said, sipping at his own drink and then setting it down on the counter. “I’ve improved! I do make some delicious macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets for Joseph.”

She stifled a laugh, biting into her lower lip as she did so. Her eyebrows rose skeptically. “And would this mac’n’cheese happen to come from a box, and these chicken nuggets come frozen?” It wasn’t as though she had been anything of a good cook, but teasing him hadn’t lost its luster.

“Don’t doubt how good frozen food can be.”

“I’m not, I’m not,” she shook her head and took another long sip, the side of her hand drawn over her lips to wipe away the excess moisture. “Listen, anything is good compared to the stuff I eat for lunch on base or whatever the frak that slop is they serve you on battlestars. Mac’n’cheese and chicken nuggets it is.” She tipped the neck of her bottle towards him, a challenge should he rise to the occasion.

  
—

  
Fourty minutes later, Lee and Kara both sat at his kitchen table, their pair of beer bottles having multiplied into a few more empty ones littering the tabletop, their plates nearly clean of the neon orange noodles and breaded chicken. Kara went for the last one, still barely warm from the oven they’d been pulled out of just before they’d begun to burn, dragging the side of it in the ketchup that remained on Lee’s plate, her own reserve having gone dry two nuggets prior.

“Gods, you can really put it away,” he laughed his words out as he finished his third beer and set it with the rest of the other empty bottles in what was now the beer bottle graveyard.

Her shoulder shrugged as she devoured the last one in three bites, rinsing it down with her own drink. With a childish smirk, she spoke. “Best meal I’ve had in ages.”

“Very funny.”

“I mean it!” Both of her hands gestured to her barren plate, only crumbs and sauce remaining. “Don’t I get dessert for finishing?”

“What do you want?”

She licked her lips, tasting the yeasty remains of her last sip of beer. “What do you have to give me?”

Lee wasn’t sure if it was his head playing tricks on him, a wish fulfillment of sorts, or if she really was asking for more than a scoop of ice cream to finish the night off. Lee knew what he wanted, what he’d wanted for what was now getting close to a decade, but when it came to her, he never quite knew where he stood. He took the chance though, prepping his cheek for the feel of her palm, as he leaned in and touched his mouth to hers, forceful and urgent.

It was like all those years ago again suddenly, since the last and first time they’d done this. There had always been tension between them in those months after their meeting but before Zak’s death, but they’d never acted on it, despite how much either of them may have wanted to. What had happened that first night had been a mistake, a poor drunken decision, and the betrayal of the worst kind to Zak. As much as Kara had thought about how his lips felt against hers in the days, weeks, and months afterward, she hadn’t let herself give in. Kara had never been one with good self control, but when it came to Lee Adama, she had become something of a saint, letting herself live in denial of what she wanted.

Without hesitation, she returned the warmth of his mouth, lips parted to welcome him in fully and hungrily, like she was starving despite her stomach being freshly full. Kara fisted her hand into the shoulder of his shirt, using it to pull them both closer together, and before she knew it, Lee’s arm was blindly sweeping at the table, shoving dishes and utensils back and away to clear a space for her. She followed his lead, pushing off from the floor and her chair until she was seated just on the edge of the table. Lee likewise abandoned his seat, standing between her parted legs to keep his mouth locked to hers. This kiss was unlike the first though, in that they were so much sure of it now, all this time later.

Kara’s hand reached back to the table to support her, coming in contact with one of the empty beer bottles as it tipped over and rolled towards the side. Gravity took over, just as it had done to a similar bottle in her apartment, sending it hurtling towards the wood floor. It didn’t break, but made a clatter nonetheless, that sent them both pausing in an eerie sense of deja vu. She pulled away from Lee as he did to her, both of their faces coming in to focus as they took in the other.

“Lee—we…”

“We don’t have a reason not to do this anymore,” he said with determination, afraid to let her slip through his fingers again.

“There’s a million reasons—you’ve got a son, Gianne—”

“Joseph’s not here,” he shook his head as he fought with her. “It’s just me and you, there’s no one else.” Without saying the name of the elephant in the room, he was trying to remind her of the timeframe they actually existed in. “I’m not married, Kara, and you—” He stopped, brows furrowing as he pulled back just a little more. “You’re not, are you?” His words nearly froze in his lungs as he asked. He hadn’t heard anything from his father about it, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be true. Back on Galactica, he hadn’t ever asked, and now he was regretting nestling himself between her legs without knowing the answer to such a question.

“No—no, I’m not,” she answered and the look of relief she saw on his features broke her resolve. “Just… we can’t do this, not— _here_ —you understand?”

It was a different kitchen in a different home, a different year and a different lifetime away from what had happened before, but it still felt like a betrayal to her. Lee understood her words and he took her by the hands, tugging at her until she was on her feet again. His skin tingled all over at the prospects of what her words brought, though he knew there was a lot of ground to cover between the kitchen and his bedroom upstairs. A lot of time and space for Kara to run and shy away from whatever this was between them. As if to solidify it all, Lee kissed her again, hand on her cheek, relieved when he felt her respond.

“Which way?” She asked in a whisper as she went for his hand.

Without so much as a word, Lee interlocked his fingers into hers and followed the path back into the hall and up the lone staircase in the home. They passed by a series of doors on the way to their destination, those belonging to a closet, an extra bath, and even his son’s room, before they met with the door ajar to the room where he spent his nights.

It was the first time she’d seen a real space of Lee’s before. When they’d been friends previously, he had been making his home within the Colonial Fleet, his belongings shared between his mother’s home and whatever bunk was his elsewhere. Now though, he had a space for all the things that made him… him. There would be a million details she would have to take in later, and in a clearer head she would have started to memorize them already, relishing the fact that she could take such an intimate peek into the man that he was behind closed doors.

There was something else more important, though, and that was the man attached to the hand she held, looking at her with heavy lidded blue eyes. He was so unlike his brother in almost all regards, from the lighter hue of his hair to the color of his eyes, from his bone structure to his stiffer attitude. Sometimes, there was a look Lee would give her and all she saw was his younger brother. With his son in his arms on Galactica, Kara had seen Zak in him. Staring at him now, though, she didn’t see Zak or any number of her past lovers. No, he was just Lee Adama, and she was thankful for it. She hadn’t ever wanted to see anyone else when she looked at him, didn’t want to be haunted by the memories of the past. For them now, whatever this in fact was, it was just a clean slate.

She curled herself in close to him, gripping again into his clothing just as he did to hers, content to feel his mouth. It wasn’t enough though and Kara nearly ripped at his shirt, tugging it up and over his head with the kind of force she hadn’t brought to her frakking in the last few years.

“There’s no rush,” he said to her jaw, though he equally felt the temptation to put everything into motion as fast as possible.

“Like frak there isn’t,” she said with her laughter loud in the dim lighting.

He returned her smile, giving in to remove her shirt almost as quickly as she had his. The truth was they were both making up for lost time, a lost nearly eight years between them. Though the feeling in his gut and his groin often told him he should have stopped at nothing to make Kara his, his head and his heart knew he had done right by Zak years ago. Even if he and Kara could have been happy, the happiest people in the twelve worlds, what they had would have always been tainted by the faint memory of how they got there. Who they broke to have what they wanted. What he compromised in himself to get her for himself.

The number of times over the years he had wished to see her again, that he had begged for the strength to locate her and see her just once more, was innumerable. Lee had thought about her every day and all the possibilities that could have been. Sometimes, he would try to talk himself out of his feelings for her that still lingered, by saying that their explosive personalities would never have worked together. They would make each other miserable. By not being together, they were doing the best thing for one another, but then he would remember the sound of her laugh or the taste of his mouth against hers, and that would remind him of all the things he wanted from her and loved about her. That electric personality that got her into trouble so often was what he adored about her, maybe they could have made it work.

His body functioned on auto-pilot as his brain worked a million miles a second and he would regret not being able to recall every detail as to how he got her pants unzipped and unbuttoned later. As it was, she was toeing off her shoes and socks before stepping out of them, her hands slightly shaking as she went to start the process of his own. The quake to her appendages wasn’t lost to him and for a second, fear flared inside of him that maybe this wasn’t what she wanted and he had been too forward with her. That wouldn’t be like Kara at all, since she was usually the one calling the shots and pushing others back into line, and when she lifted her eyes to meet his, all of that fear was pushed away. No, she was nervous, just as much as he was.

Lee’s hands covered her own, hoping to act as a beacon of steady and calm to her, despite how little of it he had for himself. Perhaps together, he thought, they could share what they each had. “Are you okay?” He whispered.

Kara looked away and nodded. This hadn’t ever been an aspect of her life she’d approached with such a coil of nerves in her stomach, except maybe that first time when she was a teenager. She didn’t know where it came from or why, but it was overwhelming her on top of everything else, sending her world tilting off its axis as she tried to cope. “Your zipper—it’s stuck,” she said in frustration, but also a distraction from herself.

His fingers helped her out and when the metal teeth of the zipper were fully separated, they both worked to remove his slacks, his shoes and socks having been removed minutes ago and laid scattered across the floor of his bedroom. Kara took his hand and this time she had the lead, pulling him towards the bed as she climbed upon the solid colored bedspread he slept beneath every night. “Ow—frak!” She called out and the spell of the mood was slightly broken as her barely dressed form twisted and shifted on the bed, her hand pushed beneath her until it captured the small toy dump truck in her hand and held it between them.

“Sorry,” he apologized and took the child’s toy from her, tossing it towards the laundry hamper in the corner of the room. He would have to remember to fish it out later on.

Kara laughed. “This is not how I ever imagined this going.”

“No,” his head shook but he smiled anyway, praying that the constant reminders of his fatherhood and the fact that in some way he would always belong partially to another woman weren’t enough to drive her away at the last minute. “This isn’t how I imagined it would go either.” He kneeled on the bed and took charge, one hand sliding around until he felt the notches of her spine, fingers pushing together the fabric of her bra until the clasp released. Lee was careful as he slid the straps down her shoulders, almost reverent in fact, until the cups of the bra fell down and away, leaving her exposed. He had never seen her like this before, despite their trips to the beach and the lake, and even that time they’d talked about at the cemetery, when each of them had to strip down and soap up in the lake to get any kind of clean. No, back then he’d been the gentleman, envying his brother for what he got to see every night.

Nudity had never been a thing that she shied away from after all her time in the military, but the look of him as he drank her in was something she had never felt before, not even with any other kind of lover in the past. It was like she had given him all his wildest dreams in that moment, just by being there, and it set a kind of excitement that she didn’t even know existed in her stomach and even lower. She leaned back on her elbows as Lee came nearer, watching his head dip down to kiss from the center between her breasts until he chose a side, favoring one over the other. He was hardly touching her and yet she felt the build of a moan in her throat and she let it out as his mouth came to capture one hard nipple. He was gentle at first, kissing and his tongue lapping over it, then she felt the sharper tug of his teeth against it, pulling and plucking. One palm of his came to cup the rest of the fullness of her breast as he suckled against her, then departed entirely to treat the opposite breast with the same kind of devotion.

His lips trailed southward over the flat plane of her stomach to her navel, kissing at the waistband of her panties. They weren’t the ones given to her by the military, that much he knew, but still reflected the job she held, with the grey coloring she chose of them and more sensible cut. He wondered if her entire drawer was filled with underwear like this, or if Kara Thrace would have worn something else if she knew that this was what she would be doing that night when she dressed for the day. Either way, it didn’t matter, and Lee would admit that all his fantasies of her usually involved undressing her from the uniform she seemed to always wear.

“Move back,” he ordered from her waist, and Kara, dizzy because of his touch, complied, her body shifting up and back until she was as far as she could go. Her head rested against his pillows, neck craned to the side to breathe in the smell of shampoo and cologne on the fabric. Gods, she was lost in him, so surrounded in every meaning of the word that she couldn’t even think straight. It was consuming, just as she always dreamt it would be with him.

 Lee hooked his fingers into the sides of her panties and tugged them down, leaving the last portion of her that was a mystery to him, finally and fully bared. He helped coax her into parting her thighs, one hand at her outer thigh as he held it steady, kissing up the unimaginably soft skin of the inside of that same thigh. Her legs shook again, just as barely as her hands had minutes before, and Lee made soft soothing sounds against her skin. “I’ve got you, Kara,” he said and looked up the length of her body to find her watching him, teeth biting at her lip in anticipation of what she knew he was about to do.

His own body laying across the bed on his stomach, Lee dove in, finding her already sopping wet between her thighs. The taste was like nothing he’d ever had before, unique and completely her, and all Lee knew was that he wanted more of it. His tongue ran the length of her, from her entrance to the swollen and red bundle of nerves higher up, reading her body for physical and audible responses as he began to learn what she loved for the very first time. He hiked one of her legs up over his shoulder, immediately feeling her heel digging into his back as his tongue ran slow circles around her clit. From where he was, he could see the fabric of his comforter bunched up in her tight fist while she simultaneously let out a call of his name.

She was close and he’d hardly even begun, something which brought a stirring of pride inside of him to know that long before he’d even touched her, Kara’s body had been anticipating all of this. He wasn’t ready to let her go though, so he backed off his focus, slowing himself down. Lee wanted to enjoy her, a part of him inwardly fearing that this would be not only the first, but the last time she would allow them to join together after guilt and worry washed over them both when their raging hormones had faded and cleared from their systems. He was going to enjoy her as long as he could. Lee slipped a finger inside of her, then another, feeling her tightly clench around him instantaneously, leaving him begging to actually, fully be inside of her and experience that in another way. The pads of his fingers rubbed her internally as his mouth once more took action and not more than a few seconds later, Kara’s keening moan was let out as she came, hips bucking on pure instinct. His other hand curled around her and palmed the skin below her navel, holding her as still as he could as he continued to work, carrying her through every last wave of pleasure she could feel.

Kara ran a hand over her face, ears ringing with the sound of her own voice and the steady thump of her pulse jumping loudly inside of her. Her body pleasantly hummed with the comforting echo of orgasm, her senses sharpening and coming back to her slowly. She opened her eyes and looked down to him, down to the man that had given her that overwhelming roll of ecstasy and had finally ceased his ministrations against her to more delicately kiss to her inner thigh yet again. “Come here,” she demanded of him, hands reaching to encourage him closer, though Lee didn’t exactly come as quickly as called, instead taking his time to leave a trail of her own wetness over her abdomen and breasts until their mouths met. She could not only taste herself on him, but feel some of the warmth the core of her body had passed on to him, his mouth still slightly slippery from what he’d done for her.

“You don’t know how long I’ve thought of doing that,” Lee said into her neck, his body laid against her own.

“Lords of Kobol, Adama, you can do that the rest of your frakking life and I wouldn’t complain.”

He laughed, his body vibrating against hers which elicited her own matching giggle in the room. Kara’s hand pushed through his hair, slightly longer than she’d ever seen on him, but matched the years that had been put on him. He was no longer that boy anymore and the change suited him. “Please,” Kara begged against his ear as her teeth tugged on the lobe. “I want you—” she paused and corrected herself. “I need you inside of me, Lee.”

She wasn’t just speaking as Kara Thrace, thirty year old woman bedding the slightly older father of one on top of her. It was every version of herself since they’d first met. That girl that had so desperately wanted him to frak her on her kitchen table despite knowing how wrong it was. The Kara that saw him every time afterwards and thought about what it would be like to see his face when she came instead of Zak’s. A grieving no longer wife-to-be that had wanted to drown her sorrow in her lover’s older brother. The lonely soldier tucked away on battlestars or bases throughout the Twelve Colonies, using dreams of him to help her come to completion by her hand when she was alone in her bunk late at night. Every person she’d ever been since she’d seen his face, they were all begging aloud for him.

Her words were his undoing, as if he had any resolve left at all while he was throbbing against her thighs. It had been Gods knew how long since he’d been inside of a woman. There had been Gianne and after things had finally and fully fallen apart, there’d been another woman that he sought comfort in casually, but never seriously. If he was honest with himself, he was always waiting for her again, fearing the worst but always hoping for the best.  Lee pulled back and looked down to her to memorize her in this instant, the pink of her cheeks, the way her golden green eyes looked when heavy with desire, how her hair fell against his pillow. He wanted to keep her there forever, never let her go again, but he knew that would be her choice to make.

“I need to get…” He trailed off and began to climb off to begin a frustrating search for what he hoped wouldn’t be now expired condoms. Kara’s hands stilled him, though, pulling him back before his weight had even shifted off of her.

“I’m up to date on my shot, don’t worry about it.” With others, one night stands especially, she would have insisted on the extra layer of added protection between them to guard against disease and pregnancy, but the thought of losing the warmth of him against her was absolutely unimaginable. That, and she wanted to feel him, really feel him, for the first time, and she knew he craved the same.

Lee nodded, kissing her lips as both of her hands came to his cheeks to steady him. He couldn’t get over how absolutely right it felt with her and they truly hadn’t even begun. All the women he’d been with in his past, the sex had been good, great even, but it was nothing like this. Even knowing he had loved Gianne and coming to terms with the fact that she was the mother of his child so much so that he was unbelievably happy and thankful for it — not once had he ever felt so lost inside of her like he did with Kara.

Her hands slipped from his cheeks and down to his lower half, her hands pushing inside the elastic of his boxer-briefs to force them down. He helped her the rest of the way until he was truly free, feeling her warm palm grasp around his cock, already stiff and waiting for her. He groaned into her neck, face buried there temporarily as her body shifted slightly, legs parting wide around him in a sign of welcoming. Lee lifted his head and kissed her once more, hips and legs angling himself at her heated entrance. One hand joined hers, rubbing the head of his cock against her teasingly and he reveled in the look she gave him that admonished him for such an action, but also gave away how much she enjoyed it. He gave in not long after, though, pressing against her until he slid in just barely, Kara’s eyes shutting tight as she bit roughly at her lip to hold back the moan in her throat. A second later Lee pushed in the rest of the way, careful not to force himself inside too hard and fast out of fear of hurting her. That moan Kara had been trying to rein in escaped finally as she felt the fullness of him inside of her, her finger nails digging into his back as she called out to all the Gods she fervently believed in.

She was hot and tight, wet and soft around him, and it was a kind of perfection Lee had come close to finding but hadn’t ever experienced before. One leg curled around him and she pulled him in closer, forcing him inside just a fraction of an inch deeper, Lee letting out his own matching moan to join her. The pressure of her leg relinquished a moment later, however, and Lee took the hint, pulling out of her slowly and then pushing back into her tight fit. He built a rhythm with her, his mouth abandoning her own to find her breast again, this time a little rougher than the first. His hand squeezed and his mouth tugged as she sharply moaned with each thrust inside of her. Lee could feel her clenching around him even tighter than before, pleading with himself to hold on just a little longer for her. The focus paid off as Kara came, back arching and toes curling, this orgasm more intense than the first he’d given her. The tightness of her orgasm forced his own as well, and he felt himself tighten and release, spilling deep inside of her for what he hoped would be the first time, rather than the only time.

Spent and exhausted, Lee nearly collapsed against her breast, one of Kara’s arms weakly curling around him as she stroked over his sweat-sticky skin. Her chest rose and fell as she worked to gain balance, though she never honestly wanted it to fade away. Lying in his bed with him on top of her, she wanted to stay there forever, without complication of what this was or what it meant. She didn’t know her own answers to those questions and she feared Lee’s, it was far easier to exist in a place where neither of them had to think of such a thing.

With reluctance, Lee eventually pulled out and rolled off, lying on his back beside her. He groped around for her hand, drawing it to his lips when he found it. “Kara?” He asked.

She swallowed hard, her head full of all the possibilities of what he was going to ask next. Were this anyone else, she would have already been planning how to slip out of their bunk or apartment with as little sound as possible. For one of the few times in her life though, Kara didn’t want to wait for the man beside her to fall asleep so she could visit the bathroom to clean herself off between her thighs and redress in darkness, making a clean and quick getaway. “Yeah?”

“You’re going to stay the night, right?”

Every worry she had faded away, though a million new ones began to slowly grow. She would ignore them for now. “Yeah, Lee, I’ll stay.”

He sat up slightly, leaning over to kiss her again, though it wasn’t his only intention. Lee pulled at the blankets beneath them, their bodies both shifting until the fabric was free. He covered them both, but her first, like he was shielding her from prying eyes or perhaps just the chill of the room. When they were both beneath them, he curled himself to her and she reciprocated, turning on her side until he was spooned up against her, holding her tight.

—

Lee woke in the morning to the sound of a ringing doorbell. He could tell immediately that it wasn’t the first push or the second, perhaps not even the third, by the way it was urgently pressed a few times in rapid succession, as if it could actually indicate the changing mood of the person standing on the stoop. Kara stirred but didn’t wake beside him, and though they’d separated during the night, he leaned back over the gap of space between them to kiss her shoulder.

The doorbell sounded again, this time even angrier than the last, and  Lee climbed from his bed and immediately went for his dresser to pull out a pair of clean boxers and a t-shirt for his torso. He could hear the front door downstairs opening roughly and the clack of shoes on the hardwood entrance way as he dressed speedily, closing the bedroom door shut behind him to keep Kara safe. He ran his hands through his hair as he stepped into the bathroom, trying to work out any signs of sleep before quickly brushing his teeth with the kind of quickness he hadn’t had since alert drills on Atlantia. Some semblance of cleanliness restored to him, he moved down the stairs, catching sight of Gianne and Joseph shutting the front door behind them.

“I used my keys,” she said, words somewhat terse as she set down the small spare bag that carried a few of their son’s items he tended to shuttle from one home to the other.

“Sorry—I was asleep,” Lee offered as an excuse before he finally made it down to the main floor, leaning in to politely kiss Gianne’s cheek in greeting as Joseph took off towards the living room, wide awake and ready to make himself at home.

“I bet,” she said, her lips upturned slightly as her eyes rose to the staircase he’d previously descended. “Saw a car in the driveway…” Her words trailed off and she looked back to him, this time a little more stern than she was before. “If you need me to take him because you’ve got something better to do, Lee,” Gianne didn’t finish.

He had no real intentions of keeping it all from her, but he hadn’t intended on it coming out that way either. “No, it’ll be fine,” Lee insisted and looked to where his son bounced on the couch, TV already on and cartoons streaming in.

“So who is she?” Gianne asked as she and Lee both proceeded towards the kitchen which featured a mess he had planned to clean up before mother and son had arrived. “Don’t tell me it’s that girl you were seeing again—”

“No,” he laughed with a shake of his head as he began to collect the bottles of beer quickly, like the movement would keep her from realizing how much the two of them had imbibed the night before. “She’s…”

Meanwhile, Kara had found full consciousness returning to her when she woke alone. The space beside her was still warm though, and she vaguely recalled his touch only moments before. She forced herself out of bed, pulling on her underwear and shirt, the rest of her clothing in hand as she peeked her head outside of the bedroom door. Finding the hallway vacant, she hurried across to the bathroom she’d seen on their way to his room the prior night. Dressed and cleaned, at least as best as she could get without fully taking a shower, Kara reopened the door, only to be stared down by the pint-sized version of the man she’d made love to the night before. She could remember now, how Lee had said Joseph would be there starting today, but had assumed it would be later on, long after she’d had time to leave. “Hi,” Kara said, echoing the greeting they’d first shared. “Do you remember me?”

Joseph stared at her and shook his head, face crinkling in something akin to fear at the stranger in his house. “Daddy!”

“She’s…” And Lee’s words were cut off as he heard the call of his son, sharing a look with Gianne as he quit the kitchen and headed up the stairs to find his lover and his son in something of a stand off.

“Lee, Gods I swear, I didn’t do anything!” She was frantic, comically so, hands held up in a mock sign of surrender to the child.

“Joseph,” he started, and scooped the boy up in his arms. “You know Kara, we saw her at the museum. She flies Vipers, remember?”

This time, in the comforting arms of his father and given some facts to remember, the four and a half year old did recall her, his little head nodding as he looked across to her without all the apprehension.

Kara was visibly relieved though somewhat shaken by the encounter with the child, this time for entirely different reasons than the first. She followed father and son down the stairs, the elusive Gianne already waiting. Kara had never seen her before in anything more than the photo Adama had shown her of the day his grandson was born, but she would know her just the same, some of her features reflected in her child’s face.

“So, Kara, Zak’s fiancee?” Gianne asked as she looked from Kara then to Lee pointedly. Clearly she’d heard of the her at some point, whether that be in tales from Lee’s father or the showing of photographs of the Old Man’s late son and the woman that had once been promised to be his wife.

It made Kara feel guilty all of a sudden, but she held herself together, nodding as she offered a hand. “Nice to meet you, Gianne.”

Lee watched the exchange between both of the blonde women as they forced themselves to shake hands with one another in the common expression of greeting.

“It’s good to finally meet you.” Gianne looked back to Lee and their son curled up in his arms. “You sure you don’t want me to take him?”

Part of him wanted to take her up on the offer, but he didn’t. His time with his son was precious, every last minute of it, and he knew the next time he saw Gianne, he wouldn’t hear the end of it. Deep inside of him, as well, there was some ounce that wanted Kara to get to know his son better than she had briefly gotten to on Galactica, having already subconsciously decided that she was going to be a permanent fixture in their lives, though he didn’t know how she would feel about it. “No, we’ll be okay. I’ll have him back to you tomorrow after dinner,” Lee said with a nod to her.

Kara felt out of place in the exchange, avoiding looking at any member of the family. Her thoughts were irrational, going back to her own father and his abandonment. She was proud of Lee for sticking with it, despite the fact that he could have easily run away and just been a father by way of sending his support payments. Though she knew Lee and Gianne hadn’t been together in quite some time, if they ever were even happy together at all, she couldn’t help but feel like she was some wedge in their lives and their routine. She didn’t want to be the thing that pushed them further apart, or the woman that inserted herself into the life of his son and tried to act as a replacement mother. Aside from all of that, she wasn’t even sure if she should be trusted around children at all, having never had any real experience with them in her life.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Joseph,” his mother said as she leaned in to kiss the boy and he returned it wet and sloppy to her own cheek. “Don’t be late, Lee, he’s got school Monday,” she reminded him, as if he could forget. Gianne headed the few steps to the door, turning to Kara before she left. “Again, nice to finally meet you,” she spoke and departed.

Lee mouthed his words of apology to Kara, leaning in to kiss her cheek. She hesitated, though, pulling away at the last second as her eyes motioned directly over to the boy still in his arms. He understood, though he wished he didn’t, and finally set Joseph down as he followed him into the living room. “Did you have breakfast?”

“No,” the boy said with a shake of his head, going for the small bin of his toys kept in the corner of the room. “You said,” he stopped, sputtering over his words and starting again. “You said you’d make pancakes.”

“That’s right,” Lee leaned down to kiss his son’s head, ruffling his blonde hair out of place. “I did. Kara’s going to help me, all right? We’ll be in the kitchen.”

He met Kara in the kitchen, arms going to pull her into a hug as he kissed her cheek, finally making contact this time. “Gods I’m sorry,” he said, feeling how stiff she was in his arms. “What’s wrong?”

Kara pulled away and shook her head, looking back to the open entranceway towards the hall that connected to the living room. “I shouldn’t be here.”

“Listen, sometimes they come early depending on what Gianne’s got to do today. I didn’t think…”

“Last night was great,” she started, trying to disconnect herself. “But you’ve got a family and I don’t fit in, I know how this goes.”

His brow rose as he moved around the kitchen, gathering their plates from the night before and piling them in the empty dishwasher, then pulling out the box of pancake mix from the cupboard. “Well I don’t, so how does it go?”

She let out something between a sigh and a groan, working hard to not let her frustration come out in the volume of her voice. “Your son, he’s got a mom and a dad, he doesn’t need this,” her hands turned, gesturing to herself “on top of it all.”

“So I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life alone?” He questioned.

“No,” she replied quickly. “Just, _me_?”

“Yeah, you.” Lee smiled at her over the mixing bowl of pancake mix as he added the proper measured liquid into it and began to stir.

She took a seat at the counter off the island he worked at in the middle of the kitchen, elbows resting into the cool granite as her fingers pushed through her sex-mussed hair. “I’m not the person for you, Lee. Did you see the way Gianne looked at me? Oh,” she stopped, this time doing her best to imitate the tone of voice the other woman had used, “Zak’s fiancee?”

“She’s harmless,” he insisted, his spoon coming to rest on the edge of the bowl as he put his attention fully on her this time, instead of sharing it with the pancake batter between them. “Gianne’s been seeing a guy for the last year anyway, so she can’t talk about it.”

“It’s not just that! Lee, Gods, it was just one time, we don’t have a commitment between us.”

He turned his back to her, standing over the stove and the pre-heated pan on the burner, sighing as he allowed small pools of the batter to form and start cooking on the teflon. “What if I wanted it to be more than just one time?” Lee said, still facing away.

Kara said nothing, recalling every moment of the night before and how much she hadn’t wanted it to end, and now couldn’t imagine ever not having it again. Now she knew it wasn’t just one sided, his voice doing a little pleading in his words as he asked her. “I work in Delphi, Lee…” She scrambled for an excuse.

“It’s not that far,” he insisted as he used the spatula to flip each pancake, perfectly golden brown on the cooked side. “You can stay on base during the week, come out here on the weekends…” He was getting ahead of himself with what he was propositioning her with.

“You hardly know me, Lee.”

“I know you enough.” His shoulders slumped and his head shook as he reached for a plate from the nearby cabinet, holding it out as he dropped each pancake down onto it. He repeated the process with the next ones, batter spaced out on the pan to begin cooking. Lee headed to the fridge next, pulling out the containers of syrup and butter, jug of orange juice in his free hand as he nudged the door shut with his shoulder. He didn’t have the heart, nor the energy, to look at her as he cut across the kitchen and placed the items on the table.

“Kara, I’m thirty-two years old now, I know what I want.” He turned around to her, his gaze unwilling to let her go free. “I knew what I wanted eight years ago when you were with my brother, I knew what I wanted five years ago when I saw you on Galactica. I don’t give a frak—” He stopped, looking to the doorway to make sure his son wasn’t nearby to hear him using the language he and Gianne had agreed to curb around the boy. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I’ve wasted a quarter of my life worrying about everyone else and I just don’t care about it anymore.” When he was finished speaking he returned to the stove, just in time to flip the pancakes over, these ones slightly browner than the others.

She was running scared, something she did all too often when it came to her personal life, despite how fearless she was in the cockpit. It was one of her many contradictions. Kara slid off the stool and went for the cabinet she’d seen him get their plates from the night before, pulling out a trio, then reaching into the drawer for three forks and two knives, figuring the four year old wasn’t yet skilled enough to be trusted to cut his own pancakes. Silently, she set the table and when she finished, she headed to retrieve them three glasses.

“He likes the blue one,” Lee said from the stove, his pile of pancakes slowly growing.

Kara nodded and she grasped the smaller, blue plastic cup with cartoon characters coloring the sides along with their two regular ones. She placed it at the seat she set for his son, in front of the chair with the small cushioned booster seat she presumed Joseph was still using.

“Watch these while I get him?” Lee said, motioning towards the last of the pancakes cooking on the stove.

“No—let me,” she insisted, trying to show him that despite the silent treatment they had both quickly enacted on one another, that she could behave like the person he thought she was.

When she made it to the living room, she found his son there, on the floor and immersed in the mess of toys he’d created, talking to himself. “Joseph?” His head turned to look up to her. “Your Dad says pancakes are ready.” He wasted no time in hurrying from his spot, the jacket he’d been wearing earlier tossed aside in the middle of the floor as he rushed past her and down the hallway of the house he knew well. By time she made it back, only a few steps behind him, he was struggling to get up onto his seat and Kara reacted instantly, lifting the boy up and sitting him down. “You okay?”

Joseph nodded to her and looked back towards where Lee was as he approached with the plate of steaming pancakes in his hands.

“You better be hungry,” Lee said and served out a few of them onto Joseph’s plate, reaching for his son’s fork and his own knife as he began to butter each one, then cut them into small, easily chewable sections.

Kara took her seat as Lee loaded Joseph’s plate up with the amount of syrup he knew his son would need, then sat down at the end of the table, with Kara and Joseph on either side of him.

“These are good,” she said, trying to make small talk with Lee, despite knowing he wouldn’t be much in the mood for it since she’d basically blown off his attempt at pouring out his feelings to her.

“Thanks,” he forced a smile at Kara then looked to Joseph, his expression turning genuine.

“Are you going to eat pancakes with us every Saturday?” Joseph asked with his mouth full as he chewed.

Kara looked to Lee for help in answering and he lightly patted his son’s arm. “Not every Saturday, no,” he answered and left it at that, hoping it would appease him.

“Would it be okay if I was here sometimes?” Kara suddenly asked, looking across to the little boy.

Joseph’s familiar blue eyes, just as bright as his father’s and the Old Man’s, gazed up and over at her, head nodding. “It’s more fun this way.”

With a reserved smile, Kara glanced to Lee out of the corner of her eye. “It is.”

A few pancakes and a tall glass of orange juice later, Kara started to fill the dishwasher with their syrup covered plates, while Lee held his son at the sink, helping him to rinse off any of the remaining stickiness from his small hands. When he placed Joseph back on the ground, the child obediently waited, and Kara couldn’t help but observe the act that was obviously routine to them. Lee bent down with a wash cloth, cleaning his face as the last piece to the puzzle before his son darted off again, filling the home with an echo of his excited yell as he returned to whatever he had been doing before.

“Seeing you with him,” she began as she placed the frying pan inside and closed the door, sealing away the dirty dishes within. “It’s the strangest thing. Nothing’s really happened in my life since I last saw you and you…” Her head shook but she smiled to him. “You’re a dad, Lee. Not just a father, but a dad. One of the good ones, too.”

He blushed a little at her words, clearing the table of the orange juice container as he spoke. “It’s been insane. I feel bad about how I reacted when she first told me, I was so scared, after losing Zak and the relationship I had with my father, especially at the time… I didn’t think I could do it. Now, though? I don’t really remember what it was like before him.”

“Is he why you quit flying?” She asked gently, not sure of how touchy of a subject it was for him. His father hadn’t been too happy, or that was what she got out of Adama at the time, but he had understood his son’s choice nonetheless.

Lee looked to her and then nodded. “I wasn’t going to, but then he was born and Gods, flying didn’t matter anymore, it was never to me what it is to you. It’s safe, especially when there isn’t much going on out there, but accidents happen, and I couldn’t continue to get into that cockpit everyday knowing that something could happen and he wouldn’t grow up with a father. What if the cylons returned? I’d be going to war and leaving him behind. I used to love watching my Dad fly, but I remember how nervous I was for him as I got older and understood that sometimes people died doing what he did. I don’t want him to ever feel that.”

He was the same and different at the same time and she felt inadequate over how little her life had changed since then. She’d gotten a promotion to Captain while on board Pegasus under Commander Cain, she’d moved around and acted as a CAG for a brief moment in time, she’d dated and had a few casual boyfriends over the years, but no commitments. Nothing big. Nothing as changing as what Lee had lived through.

“I still fly, Lee. I could go out there tomorrow and frak up or something could go wrong with my Viper and I might not come back. Why would you want to have to worry like that again?”

He approached her, hands clasping her upper arms as he gently rubbed the somewhat exposed skin there. “I can handle it. If it’s having you and worrying, then I’ll take it over not having you at all. Just…” He sighed. “Give this a chance, all right?”

“Lee…”

“Kara,” he kissed the corner of her mouth, happy to find that she didn’t pull away. “Whatever excuse you’re going to give me, we’ll work it out. Just don’t say no.”

Her eyes shut and it was the previous night all over again, breathing in the scent of him on his sheets. Kara swore she could feel her heart clench at the thought of saying goodbye to him in something of a permanent fashion, the ache spreading out from her chest to her extremities, forcing her mind to comply with what her body knew it wanted. “No,” she answered. “I won’t say no.”


	2. Chapter 2

The heat of Helios Alpha beat down on the pavement of the lot behind the Colonial Fleet Academy of Caprica. Kara rubbed her hand across her forehead, feeling the slickness of beaded sweat against her scorched skin. Another fifteen minutes out there and she’d have that semi-permanent burn to her skin followed by a few days of uncomfortable peeling from the sun damage. She cursed herself for not checking the weather reports that morning, sure she’d overdressed for the temperatures and the blaze sinking into her skin.

    “Randall!” She bit out the name, hands to her hips in a stance that she used much too often those days.  Kara had even caught one of her students imitating her in the mess hall, though she’d had a little too much pleasure in calling them out and assigning punishment for it.

    “Sir?” The nugget replied, hand held as a makeshift visor over his eyes to block the sun.

    “Just what the frak do you think you’re doing?” Kara approached the Mark VIII next to him, one in a long line of other identical-looking ships,  void of a nameplate that indicated the vessel's owner. “Your classmates,” she ran the pads of her fingers through a layer of dust coating  a plane of metal shielding, “…are done cleaning their birds, and you’re sitting here with your thumb up your ass. You’ve been at it an hour and your Viper doesn’t look any better than it did when you got here. Do you think your deck chief or your XO would let your ship sit in the hangar of their battlestar looking like this?”

    “Isn’t that what the knuckle draggers are for, Captain?” He replied, and despite observing her rank, there was disobedience in his manner.

    Kara’s lips pursed, the edges of her mouth pulled up into a grin, her words held back. It wasn’t that she was pleased by his words or proud of his resourcefulness, but like that day in the mess, she loved the chance to put someone into their place. She was still Starbuck, after all. “Do you want to repeat that, nugget?” Her eyes squinted a mere fraction, a subtle action that would have been missed in the time it took to blink.

    “That’s what they’re paid to—”

    “No.” Kara cut him off before he could get his words out. “They’re paid to fix your fuel line so it doesn’t leak and ignite your ship when you’re on CAP, taking you out before you’ve got time to eject. Do you think it’s that easy reaching for the lever when your console’s blazing and your cockpit’s filled with smoke? They’re paid to make sure your nav system is working so you can actually make it back to your battlestar. They’re not paid to clean your frakking ship.” Her open palm smacked onto the surface of the Viper, the sound of it calling the attention of the other nuggets nearby, diligently working on their vessels.

    “You’ve got to own this bird. Should I even let you pass this course, that is. One day your name will be on it and she’ll be yours. You’ll know when she’s hurting and how to fix her aches. You’ll be on that deck every night patching her up alongside the deck crew. Don’t assume someone else will take care of her for you. She’s yours, and you make sure she knows it. Take pride in her, and she won’t ever let you down.” Kara dusted off her hands as she rounded the nose of the newer Viper model. They’d been released a year prior and already she’d heard the buzz about the new features they were integrating into the Nines.

    “Don’t forget, one day you’re going to come crashing down in an emergency landing. Maybe there was a malfunction, maybe your ship got damaged. It doesn’t matter how or why, what matters is that it will happen. When you’re lying there, stuck in the crushed frame of your bird, it’s going to be that deck crew who pulls you out first. They’re going to be the ones fighting for your life.” Her eyebrows raised to him with meaning. This time, when she spoke, it was in warning. “Don’t give them reason to work a little slower.” 

    Kara dismissed the class early a few minutes later. The burn of her flesh and the sweat she felt all over her body was beginning to grow more than just uncomfortable. She was the first to retreat back to the main building, thanking the Gods when she fell under its shadow, feeling a sense of relief. She focused intently on the toes of her boots, her head so far away from her physical location, that she didn’t see the bodies ahead of her before she heard them. The voice of a child stuck out the most, perhaps because it was such a rare sound at the academy, at least during the week. On some weekends, officers' children visited their parents for a few hours. It was a contrast to life on a regular base, with family housing around the outskirts, children’s laughter filling the afternoons as they got home from school.

    “Kara!” A voice shouted. That was the second sound that got her attention, as usually she was only two things at the academy: Captain, and sometimes, God. The nuggets didn’t dare to call her by her first name; her fellow officers wouldn’t risk such an informality while on the clock. As far as Starbuck went, that was a name she’d left behind when she came back, although she still used it when running simulations.

    “Joseph?” Her eyes found the source of the commotion, the boy just shy of his fifth birthday eagerly waving as he ran for her, ahead of his nearby father. She smiled, amused  at Lee's slow pace, and he mirrored her in silent greeting. She was surprised to see them both, but the explanation would have to wait as Joseph reached her, arms raised towards the sky. She knew what he wanted and expected; it had become something of routine for them since Lee had made Kara a permanent fixture in their lives. Her hands at his underarms, she lifted him up, spinning him around as his laughter filled the air.

    “What are you doing here, nugget?” Kara asked when she finally put him back on the ground, her hand in his, leading him back to his father.

    “What’s a nugget?” He said, looking up to her.

    “That’s what I call the kids I’m teaching to fly,” she answered. They stopped as she gestured back to the students packing up their things by the Vipers assigned to them for the day. Kara lowered herself to one knee at his side, evening out the height difference.  “Those are my nuggets and so are you.”

    “Are you going to teach me to fly, too?”

    “Oh, I’ll be old by then,” she tickled gently at his underarm, his giggling full-bodied.  With a grin, he pulled away from her just long enough for a reprieve. “There’s so much else you can do, you don’t have to fly.” Kara was careful to walk the line Lee had quietly set for his son. He wouldn’t be like William Adama, forcing Joseph towards the career he held and into everything that being a Viper pilot entailed, but he wouldn’t discourage his own interests, either. For Kara, there was even more conflict; though she loved being up in the air or out in space, she couldn’t imagine the same fate befalling Joseph as had Zak, an accident taking his life too soon. No, she already knew she wanted to keep him safe.

    “You can do whatever you want,” Lee said as he finally met up with them, ending  the complicated topic with his simple words.

    Kara rose to her full height and without hesitation, Lee touched his lips to her cheek. She wasn’t one to hold back on public displays of affection, something he knew both from when he saw her with Zak and their own time together, but things were different in front of her immediate superiors and her students. There were no frat regs to worry about despite their difference in rank, since Lee worked in a different location and an entirely different field. Regardless, he observed self-control, despite how much he really wanted more from her after the week apart.

    “Surprised to see you,” she said, a question in her words.

    “We played hooky,” replied Lee, rocking on the balls of his feet, his hands tucked sheepishly into the pockets of his black slacks.

    “My, my...” Her words came out with a hint of satisfaction, knowing she caught him breaking rules. “Aren’t you just setting a bad example.” She looked to him, then down to the boy between them, Joseph’s eyes still on the ships.

    “We won’t tell Mom, right, Joseph?” He touched the crown of his son’s head, drawing his attention back to them.

    “Right,” Joseph repeated, nodding firmly.

    The trio found their way inside a nearby building, Kara leading the way to her classroom. “How are you boys holding up on your own? Day five and you’re already cutting class,” she reprimanded them without sincerity as she  slung her bag over her shoulder, sweatshirt in hand.

    “He misses Gianne,” Lee said quietly to not remind his distracted son of his mother’s immediate absence.

    Kara glanced at Joseph, who made himself at home in the front row, kicking his feet since they weren’t close to touching the ground.  “Still another week until she gets back, has she called him?”

    “A few times, but it makes it worse—just when he forgets that she’s away, she’s on the other line and it all comes back. It’s why he didn’t go to school today. She called and he was too upset to go in so I called out of work, asked him what he wanted to do. He asked when you were coming, so... here we are.” There was an apology in his words for his sudden intrusion, showing up without so much of a call to warn her, but he hadn’t been able say no once the idea came into his son's head.

    “I need to get back to my room and get my things…” Kara gave up that rattrap apartment a few years back, finally severing ties with Zak’s ghost still in that space. Her room at the academy wasn’t remotely luxurious, but it was comfortable enough for one, despite how much it reminded her of being a cadet. It was supposed to be temporary until she found a new place, but interest in looking for her own apartment had vanished once she started spending her free time with Lee.

    “I figured we could drive you back on Sunday, or there’s always the train…” This hadn’t been their routine. In fact, Lee hadn’t even seen where she was staying these days.  She’d been the one to visit, making allowances for the fact that he usually had his son as well. She’d done it without complaint or even a mention, and every time she pulled up in the driveway, Lee was reminded of the person Kara was, underneath everything else .

    Kara nodded and looked to the boy, fiddling with a toy he’d pulled from his pocket. “Hey, Joseph? Before we go back to your house, I’ve got something for you.” She turned her attention back to Lee. “If it’s okay with your Dad.”

    His brows rose but she smiled reassuringly, waving her hand to them as she led them both out of the classroom and down the hall. She fished around for her identification card, swiping it through the door's keypad, then entering a sequence of numbers. The locking mechanism released simultaneously with the flash of the green light from the number pad. She pulled the heavy door open, letting them inside the larger room, rows of simulators laid out in a grid pattern.

    “Relax, Apollo, ” Kara began before he could even sound off with worry. She placed her belongings down beside one of the machines, then reached her arm in. Soon the first simulator sprang to life and she repeated the process with the one beside it. “How about we go flying?”

    “Really?” Joseph looked up to his father, trying to sense his approval or lack thereof.

    His son’s face broke his concern and Lee acquiesced, nodding. “You sure this is safe for him?”

    “They’ve changed these a lot since we were in school,” Kara patted the nearest one. Though they hadn’t been at the academy at the same time, their training had been nearly identical. “Who would guess it? I’m the teacher so I can tweak the programs how I want. Joey and I will be strictly sight-seeing. No G’s, nothing like that.”

    She held out her hand and with Lee gently pushing him forward with a touch to his back, Joseph ran towards her, excitement across his face.

    “Got one for you, too, Apollo. If you’re up for it.” Kara winked, turning to climb into the second simulator. Lee was there to help Joseph in once she was settled in her seat, the boy sitting on her lap, tiny legs running along the length of hers, the gear stick between them. She closed the faux-cockpit roof, this one made of digital screens rather than glass. Joseph let out a small, scared sound as they plunged into darkness, but Kara reassured him softly, patting his thigh. “You okay, buddy?”

    “Y-yes,” he stuttered.

    “Your Dad’s going to get into the next one and we’ll see him soon. Now, where do you feel like flying today?” She asked quickly in an effort to distract him from both his fear of the unknown and the temporary absence of his mother . “We can fly over Caprica City, over the ocean… over Tauron. Any planet, anywhere, even out in space if you want to.”

    He considered her words. “Can we see my house?”

    “Mmhmm.” Kara reached around him, cycling through the controls. She adjusted the settings as needed, the multiple screens of the cockpit canopy fading to the hangar deck of the Battlestar Atlantia, their starting point. It was lifelike, and even Kara often found it near impossible to distinguish between reality and fiction in the simulator. It was what made them such useful training tools when coupled to the normal settings, which forced the pilot to treat it like a real Viper and feel the effects of it as well. For Joseph, though, she had intentionally voided those portions of the simulation, leaving it little more than a very realistic looking thrill ride, but more than enough for a four-year-old.

    “Look over there,” she pointed to the left window, where another computer-generated Mark VIII Viper casually taxied alongside towards the launch tubes. As it neared, Lee’s face could be made out, his hand raised in a wave to Kara and Joseph.

    “How you feeling, Joseph?” Lee asked, his voice coming through the speakers of the simulator.

    The child broke into absolutely gleeful laughter, amazed by the technology that he was immersed in. “Use my call sign!” He corrected his father.

    “Oh, yeah? What’s yours?”

    “I don’t know, Grandpa said you don’t get to choose your own.”

    “He’s right, Apollo, we’ve got to give him a good one or he’ll end up with something stupid like Hot Dog.”

    “No, no,” Joseph pleaded. “Don’t pick Hot Dog!”

    “I wouldn’t do that to you, although I’m tempted to nickname you Macaroni. I’ve never seen a kid eat more of that stuff than you,”  she laughed. “How about, for now… Linus. He’s the son of Apollo, after all.”

    “You’re dooming my kid to the life of being nicknamed after a God. Have mercy on him, Starbuck.”

    “I’m sure he won’t let it go to his head, unlike someone else.” She bit her tongue as she glanced to him through the screen, although it was a series of cameras actually doing the job.

    “I like it,” Joseph replied.

    “The boy speaks, Apollo. Linus it is. Now Linus, are you ready for take off?” He nodded and Kara helped direct his hand to the stick that controlled the Viper, her hand folding gently over his. “If this were real, you’d be talking to a comm officer now, asking for permission to take off, so repeat after me, Linus. ‘Atlantia, Linus...’”

    With more of a struggle than she had, he did as instructed. “Atlantia, Linus. Viper Four-One-Nine-Zero requesting clearance for take off.” He faltered over the numbering, but with Kara whispering along, Joseph managed the words out after a few embarrassed giggles.

    His father came over the wireless, playing the role of someone in the CIC. “Roger that, Linus, you are cleared for launch. Be safe.”

    “Here we go, Linus,” Kara said as she stayed in character for him. Around them, the lights flickered in warning that the imaginary airlock was now opened. Suddenly, they were no longer stationary, zooming through the launch tube and out into space. It was a strange feeling to Kara, visually experiencing the process without the pressure she usually associated with it. They made it into the black, the darkness broken up by the stars  twinkling around them. She directed their hands to press the stick to one side and the Viper turned. From where she sat, Kara could see Joseph’s lips parted in awe as he saw the universe up close for the first time. He was a boy after her own heart.

    “You see that planet, Linus? That’s Caprica, that’s where we live.”

    “It’s so tiny.”

    “Just because we’re far away. Isn’t it beautiful, though? Look at all that water.” Though Kara was speaking for Joseph, she was also talking for herself. This was what she felt every time she flew, really flew, and gazed down at the planets.  “Ready to go see your house?”

    “No,” he shook his head. “I want to stay out here. Can we do spins?”

    “You sure?” Lee asked as his Viper coasted alongside.

    “No puking in the cockpit, Linus. Got it, nugget?”

    “Got it, Starbuck,” Joseph chirped in reply. It was the first time he’d called her by anything other than her first name.

    She smiled at his use of her own call sign, one hand drawing back to ruffle his hair affectionately. Kara hadn’t been sure how she would be around children, especially Lee’s, but she’d quickly grown to love their time together. Lee often apologized for Joseph’s near constant presence on the weekends, although sometimes he and Gianne flipped the schedule around to give Kara some time alone with Lee. Truth be told, she never minded when Joseph was nearby, finding him a comfort she never knew she would feel.

    “On three, Apollo, let’s show your son some tandem barrel rolls.”

—

    By the time they reached Lee’s home, twilight was upon them, the day's fading light flickering out in a mixture of blue and orange. Kara climbed into the back seat and released the clasp securing Joseph into his car seat. She was careful, a kind of gentleness she didn’t know she had in her, easing his slumbering form into her arms. He quickly succumbed to his fatigue as soon as they’d turned onto the highway in Delphi, but his arms instinctively curled around her neck, one of her hands holding his weight against her chest while her other palm soothed his back.

    “You want me to…?” Lee asked as she straightened out, her feet on the ground.

    Kara shook her head, content to feel the slow breathing of the boy in her arms while she watched Lee close the door for her before gathering the duffel bag she’d packed for the weekend . Inside the house, she continued to cradle Joseph to her, looking back to his father once the entranceway lights were on. “Think he’ll sleep through the night?”

    He tilted his head back and forth, weighing the options. “Probably be up early.” Getting some time alone seemed like a good idea in that moment, but come the next sunrise when Joseph wakened due to his particularly early bedtime, Lee knew they would be regretting it. On the other hand, waking a sleeping four-year-old was still very much like waking a baby—you just didn’t do it unless you were willing to face their wrath. As it was, they’d gotten something to eat in Delphi, an early dinner or very late lunch, so his stomach wouldn’t be particularly grumbly from skipping a meal. Perhaps this time it was best to let the sleeping babe lie. “Let’s get him into his pajamas.”

    Lee offered his empty arms to take him back but she denied him again, climbing the stairs to the second floor. He followed behind Kara, foregoing the light switch in Joseph’s room for the lamp on the boy’s dresser, hoping not to wake him. Kara reluctantly laid him down on his neatly made bed, Lee waiting behind her, a set of summer pajamas in hand. She went to the hallway bathroom and brought back a moistened wash cloth for Lee, who wiped the little boy’s face in a rudimentary kind of cleaning. It wouldn’t be sufficient, he’d have to take a bath come morning, but it would do for now. His father finished undressing him, then put him into the matching shirt and shorts, tucking him into his small bed.

    He kissed his son’s forehead and moved away, then paused when he realized Kara wasn’t coming along. She still lingered at Joseph’s bedside and he watched her, his shoulder pressed into the door frame. Lee could read a kind of nervousness in her stiff shoulders—a part of her that was nearly as expressive as her face—but there was also some sense of longing in the way she leaned towards the boy, rather than vacating the room immediately.  Joseph and Kara, the first and second most important people in his life, had shown a bond he never expected. She had been reluctant to agree to a relationship with him a few months prior and Lee knew his son had something to do with her decision in the end. His skin warmed as he watched them, the boy that claimed half his DNA and how infatuated Kara had become.

    Kara bit her lower lip as she perched on the very edge of his mattress, spine arched, connecting her lips just above one of his brows. “Goodnight, Linus,” she whispered. After tracing her fingertips down one of his tiny arms to an even smaller hand, she finally stood, shutting the light off. She was surprised to meet Lee at the door, thankful for the darkness as she blushed, caught in the private act of affection.

    Lee pulled the door shut behind them. As she headed for the staircase, he caught her hand in his and brought her to a stop. He crushed their lips together, the kind of kiss he’d wanted to give her since he’d seen her at the academy hours ago, sweating on the blacktop. “I love that you care about him so much,” Lee confessed, kissing into her hair.

    She still wasn’t exactly sure of the role she was supposed to hold in his son’s life, which added to an inner layer of fear and guilt. Kara wasn’t his mother, not by any stretch of imagination, not even a step-mother. She was just a girl, a woman, that his father happened to be seeing, somewhat secretly at that. Gianne knew; since that first morning, Kara had found herself running into her on a weekly basis, trying to keep her distance when Joseph's mother was around, fearing that Gianne would think that Kara was trying to edge her out. Despite all that, though, Kara had begun to think of him less and less as just Lee’s son. What he was to her, she didn’t have words for. When she realized she was wondering how he was during her time away, even asking Lee about Joseph with genuine curiosity, Kara knew something significant had changed.

    “He’s a cute kid,” she responded, not ready to express the thoughts swimming in her head.

    Lee smiled and wrapped his arms around her, pulling their hips together. “Well, he gets it all from me.”

    “Cute and modest.” Her eyes rolled, arms hooked around his neck.

    “Mm, and not just that. I bought that wine you love. I think that earns me something extra.”

    “Brilliant too, then,” Kara nodded through her words, drawing their lips back together. A soft sigh emitted from deep within as she felt the complete contentment that came with the time they shared. They were less volatile than they’d ever been, especially together, and it was a credit both to the time they’d endured and the child that was usually around, forcing them both to take a deep breath rather than let themselves resort to fists. “I can’t wait to get you drunk.”

    “I’m easy either way,” Lee insisted.

    Kara barked out a loud laugh in reply, her hand clamping down over her mouth with her eyes on the child’s door. “We wake him up and it won’t matter how much wine you bought me, you won’t be getting any tonight,” Kara wagged her finger at him, tearing herself away to head down the stairs.

—

    In the kitchen, Lee removed the cork from the first of the two bottles he’d purchased with her in mind. He added an inch to each wine glass, but Kara’s hand touched to the bottom of the bottle just as he meant to stop, forcing more out into hers.

    “You’re supposed to let it breathe.”

    “That’s just bullshit they tell you to sell you more crap.” Her eyes lit up as she sipped the full wine glass, letting the flavor rinse through her mouth and over her tongue. “Two bottles? I’m going to be hurting tomorrow.”

    “No one said you had to drink it all at once.” He lifted his own glass and drank down a mouthful.

    “You know me, I’ve got no self-control.”

    “I seem to recall you used to be a cheaper date, too. You only drank the bad stuff.”

    “Not true.” Kara took another long swallow, not even letting herself savor it. “I was just too poor to afford anything good. I always drank the whiskey when you brought it. Gods,” her eyes glazed over in a faraway look. “You always had the best alcohol. I can’t imagine how much you spent.”

    He shrugged, not wanting to get into it. At the time, he’d been younger and foolish, misguided. Lee knew he couldn’t have had her back then, but that didn’t mean he didn’t try silly little things to impress her, even if it meant spending more than he had—at least without his parents’ financial help—to see her light up when he brought out the good booze. “Thank you, by the way, for what you did earlier.”

    She reached for the bottle and refilled her glass, eyes on the dark hue of the wine as it poured out. “Got to earn my brownie points with him somehow.”

    His hand rested on her free one and it prompted her eyes to meet his. “He loves you, Kara. All week, he talks about you. What he wants to do when you come over, all the things you two did last time.”

    “Then he’s also crazy, just like you.” She played it off.

    He leaned down to where she sat at the counter, kissing her gently. “We love you,” Lee said. His brows pushed together like they were trying to meet as he clarified. “We love you, but Kara, what I mean is—I love you, too.”

    “Drunk already? You’ve turned into such a lightweight, Apollo,” she patted his cheek, trying to lighten the suddenly-serious mood.

    “Yeah,” he said with a smile, absorbing the feel of her skin on his. “I’ve gotten soft in my old age.” Though she hadn’t responded to his declaration directly, she had acknowledged it in her own way, and that would be enough for the time being. With Kara, it was all about compromise.

    From behind her glass, she raised her eyes coyly. “I wouldn’t use the word soft, exactly.”

—

    “I’ll have to call you a cab to take you to the train,” Lee said, sitting on the edge of the couch as he rubbed Joseph’s blanket-covered abdomen. He’d come down with something of a stomach bug, the excitement and energy usually brimming in the little boy almost instantly wiped out with the onset of symptoms.

    Kara sat on the arm of the couch nearest to where Joseph’s head rested on a pillow as he watched the television across the room. “Don’t worry about it, Lee.” Her hand brushed over his son’s thin blonde hair as he laid still, bundled up to the throat with his favorite blanket. “You’ll feel better soon, Joey, these things go quick.” There was no way for her to know if she was being truthful or not, only time would tell, but she knew how comforting those words could be to a small child. All they sometimes needed was the reassurance of a parent, or just an adult they trusted, to put them on the imagined path to recovery.  “You gonna have to take off again tomorrow, Lee?”

    “I really can’t, I’ve got a meeting with an Admiral from out of town. I already called my parents to see if they could come over but I didn’t hear anything.” He sighed and stood, heading for the entranceway with Kara following. “I’ll figure it out though. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

    She looked to her bag by the foot of the stairs, already packed a few hours earlier when things hadn’t been so serious. “And what if you can’t find someone, then what?”

    Lee scratched his head and rolled his shoulders in a shrug, though it failed to ease his worry and tension out of him.

    “I can stay,” she said, hands to her waist, helping to bolster some strength in her decision making. “I’ve got some time off built up, I can miss a day.”

    “I couldn’t ask, Kara, already you’re probably going to get sick because of him.”

    “Then it won’t hurt if I stay another day. I’m sure there’s another train out tomorrow night or the next morning.”

    Lee shook his head, glancing between Kara and Joseph who was looking absolutely pitiful on the couch. He'd forgotten how much children could be sick with such a poorly formed immune system, picking up every little bug that went through school. It didn’t make it any easier though, and watching his son’s body be ravaged by the brief illness was still trying. He actually felt himself missing Gianne and how she always seemed to be infallible when it came to things like this. “You’ve seen him, he’s been throwing up. I can’t ask you to take care of that.”

    “Lee, I cleaned up enough of your brother’s puke because he could never hold his liquor. I can handle one kid.” What she actually volunteered for began to set in. She’d never been left alone with Joseph, not for more than a few minutes as Lee ran to the store to grab something for dinner or lunch. In fact, she didn’t think she’d ever been left in charge of a child at all. A class of nuggets, sure, but someone else’s kid? It was a different ballgame.

    “You’ll get in trouble.”

    “I won’t.”

    “Are you sure?” There was gratefulness in his eyes.

    “I’m sure. You can owe me; when I get sick, you’ll have to listen to me complain about it.” Kara squeezed his bicep, reminding him he wasn’t alone. “These bugs are usually for twenty-four hours anyway, he’ll feel a lot better tomorrow and we’ll have lots of fun without you.”

    He mouthed his thanks. This time, Kara initiated the hug, pulling him against her. There had been worry in him over the last few hours that she hadn’t ever seen, but it was familiar, because in some ways she felt it, too.

—

    The next day, Kara sat on the couch, Joseph’s head in her lap as they watched a movie of his choice from his small collection at his father’s home. As expected, the illness seemed to already have pulled back from the ugly beast that it was the day before, leaving Joseph emptying his stomach into the toilet, a pot at his bedside, and even once in his own sheets in the middle of the night. That had been an experience Kara never thought she would live through—being jarred from sleep as the boy came crying into the room she shared with Lee, his PJ’s stained with his own sick. As gross as it had been, she’d stripped the bed of the messed sheets, put new ones on, and started up the washing machine on the sanitary cycle while Lee took charge in bathing and comforting his son. They’d met back together some minutes later to put Joseph back to bed, both of them sharing a look in silent prayer that it wouldn’t happen again.

    When Lee left for work, looking put together in his dress grays in preparation for the higher-ups he had to meet with and entertain over his day, Joseph had still been asleep. Kara was there when he woke up. Despite her fears that he wouldn’t be welcoming to spending his day with her, he hadn’t put up a fight. They’d spent the morning being lazy, Kara fetching him juice and water whenever his parched mouth called for it. As lunchtime hit, she’d put soup on the stove to warm. They would start with easy to digest things first, then work back on up to solids when they were sure his stomach could take it.

    “How’s your belly feeling?”

    He nodded, looking from the television up to her. “Hungry.”

    “Soup’ll be ready soon and before you know it, your Dad will be home. He said he’d leave a few hours early to get back to you as soon as he can.”

    “Why are you here with me?” He asked, face puzzled as he watched her.

    She wasn’t sure if it was genuine curiosity or some kind of accusation, as though he would have preferred someone, anyone else. “Because I wanted to make sure you felt better.”

    “Don’t you have your children to make better?”

    Kara forced a small smile, fingers stroking through his hair. “No, I don’t have any of my own.”

    “Why not? Don’t you want them?”

    She was careful in choosing her words. No, she hadn’t ever really wanted any children, but admitting such a thought to a child of his age might make him think that he wasn’t wanted in her life either. That had been quite the opposite as of late. “I was almost married a long time ago to your Uncle Zak, but then he passed away. I haven’t really thought about having children since then.”

    “You and my Dad could have a baby.”

    Kara laughed quietly, fingers barely tickling at his neck, just enough to make him smile, then backing off. “Usually people like to be together for a long time before they have a baby.” Oh, there were a world of exceptions to that idea, but Kara wasn’t about to begin that topic of conversation with a boy who was just learning to read. “I like having you, though,” she finally confessed. “I know I’m not your Mom, but I like being your friend.”

    This time, Joseph smiled of his own accord. “Me too.”

    He’d set alight a whirlwind of thoughts inside of her head, all eagerly chatting away and vying for attention. It wouldn’t do, though, and Kara changed the subject. “Your birthday’s coming up, are you going to have a party?”

    “Uh-huh.” He finally sat up, bouncing his pajama-clad knees on the cushion beside her. “It’s at Mommy’s and she said I could invite all my friends from school—I can have ice cream cake if I want—and pick my own presents—are you going to come?”

    She loved how he could turn himself on and off like that, from a tired sleepy child to one buzzing with excitement and rambling a mile a minute, his mouth not able to keep up with his thoughts. If anything, it also brought added comfort that he was getting that much better, based on his mood alone. “If you want me to come, I’ll be there.” Lee had already mentioned it to her and that it would be on one of the weekends coming up. It hadn’t been an outright invitation, but she knew it was one just the same, though part of her felt wrong for intruding in on something that was very obviously Gianne’s territory. “Let me go get our soup, okay?” She stood and sat a pillow on the floor in front of the coffee table. “You sit right here and I’ll be back.”

    Kara returned a minute later with two bowls of soup, one set in front of where Joseph had migrated to the floor, the other where she was determined to sit. As she was about to join him, she heard the slamming of a car door. Her interest piqued. “Dad must be here,” she offered to Joseph, but he was already busy stirring his steaming broth. “Blow on it first!” Kara ordered as she headed to the entranceway, wanting to meet Lee as he came in. “You’re home earlier—” but she stopped herself, greeted by the sight of Carolanne Adama, keys in hand, ready to unlock the front door . “Ca—,” she paused again, correcting. “Mrs. Adama.”

    Carolanne eyed Kara like she wasn’t sure exactly how to place the woman before her. Recognition finally dawned as she put her keys into her purse and stepped inside. “Kara, I haven’t seen you since…”

    She didn’t need to finish it for Kara to know when was the last time she’d seen Carolanne. It had been at Zak’s funeral, over the casket of the older woman’s son, since Kara hadn’t had enough strength to even turn up at her home afterward for the wake to honor Zak. “How are you?” She asked politely, feeling a million times smaller. Lee and Zak’s mother had always  done that to her the few times they’d met, and though seven years had passed since Zak’s death and even more time since she had first come to meet Carolanne, Kara knew nothing had changed.

    “Well, I got Lee’s message late last night—messages, actually. The first one about needing someone to babysit Joseph since he was sick today, then there was one after saying he got a babysitter. I thought I’d stop by and give whomever it was a break since I had some free time.”

    She and Lee had never discussed what they were and weren’t telling other people about their relationship. Gianne had found out on that first day and they’d done their best at avoiding both of his parents when Kara was visiting. It didn’t make her feel any better about simply being referred to as Joseph’s babysitter and nothing else, though. She inwardly knew Lee didn’t mean anything by it, had probably just said it in a rush and done so to preserve their privacy. Regardless, it stung, it stung somewhere deep.  “Joseph’s fine, just having some soup,” she spit her words out, suddenly fearful that maybe simple broth wasn’t the proper thing to feed a child with such an illness and that Carolanne would reprimand her for it.

    Joseph’s grandmother paid her no mind, heading for the living room where she found the boy blowing on each shaky spoonful of soup, just as Kara had advised.

    “Grandma.” He smiled and slipped his spoon back into the bowl.

    “What’s Kara doing letting you make a mess in the living room?” Carolanne leaned down to kiss her grandson’s head.

    “Not making a mess,” Joseph insisted as he shook his head, annoyed at the implication: that he was a little boy and couldn’t be trusted with such a simple thing.

    “Not yet, at least,” Carolanne replied. She met Kara back near the entrance of the room, her hand motioning towards the kitchen.  
Kara followed and began idly to taking care of the soiled pot still on the stove.

    “So how did you end up babysitting for my son? I didn’t even know you were in the area, I guess Bill must’ve told Lee. It’s good you and him are catching up.”

    Kara set the pot in the sink, desperately wanting to distract herself by cleaning it, but she couldn’t, not when she knew Carolanne’s eyes would have been on her back the entire time. This was the first time, Kara realized, that she’d ever been left alone with the woman that raised Zak and Lee. Previously, and she’d only ever crossed paths with Carolanne a few times, her sons had been the buffer between them and she’d been in a far sweeter mood. There was a kind of tension around now; despite the fact that Kara had been trusted to be the adult and take care of Joseph, she felt nothing more than a child when faced down by the other woman's focused gaze.

    “I ran into Lee and Joseph at the Galactica Museum awhile back.” Her mind raced, trying desperately to find a way to answer the coming onslaught of questions without giving both her and Lee away.

    “Are you still in the military?”

    “I’m teaching at the academy again.”

    Carolanne gave something crossed between a sigh and a disapproving ‘hmph’ as she sat down on one of the stools at the counter. “You sure that’s a wise place for you to be?”

    Kara stilled immediately, a chill running through the center of her body. She didn’t want to know what Carolanne implied by the question, and yet Kara couldn’t stop herself. “What do you mean?”

    “I mean, last time you wound up dating my son and he was hardly out of his teens then. What,” Carolanne paused and looked directly at Kara. “What if you end up taking advantage of another student like that?”

    Though Carolanne had never outright said something similar to her before, Kara had always felt the thought as an undercurrent in how Carolanne treated her. Zak had denied it, reassured her otherwise, and because he was there, she’d chosen to believe it. Now, though, she was left to face it alone. “I didn’t—”

    “You were his teacher. No matter what way you try to spin it, it was your responsibility to not get involved with one of your students.”

    The worst part was that Kara knew Carolanne was right. The age gap between her and Zak hadn’t been much at all, in fact it was hardly more than the one between her and Lee now. But she had been his instructor, and of course, someone of higher rank and authority. She was in the wrong for allowing him to break through that invisible barrier and continuing to carry out their illegal relationship over the months. “Carolanne, that’s not… Zak and I loved each other, I couldn’t, wouldn’t ever do that again.”

    “Your past doesn’t exactly inspire good faith in that regard. And now, what are you doing here? You don’t expect me to believe Lee called you out of the blue to have a stranger come babysit his son for him. I’m not stupid or naive.”

    Kara couldn’t take the weight of Carolanne’s accusing eyes, so she turned back to the sink, eager to drown out some of the words with the spray of water from the faucet. She soaped the sponge and lathered up the pot, furiously scrubbing away imaginary grime. Kara heard footsteps around her; when words joined in, they were far louder than before because of the proximity.

    “Don’t ruin both of my sons.”

    Kara choked back her anger and the pain she felt at having her worst fears verbalized from someone else. It was bad enough to hear it from herself all of the time, but to hear an independent person confirm it was the kind of ache she didn’t want to believe existed. For a moment, she wasn’t just listening to Carolanne berate her in the relative privacy of the kitchen, but her mother was in the room too, reminding her just how good for nothing she always had been and all the mistakes she’d made.  She willed herself to continue on, feeling the searing sting of the hot water over her skin as she cleaned even long after it had been complete. She was so lost in trying to drown out the echo of Carolanne Adama’s and Socrata Thrace’s words in her ears that she didn't hear the front door open, nor the sound of Lee entering the kitchen to find his girlfriend and mother together.

    He was immediately stricken at the sight, especially the way his mother nonchalantly stepped away from Kara and her hunched shoulders. His mother had that look he knew all too well, one he’d seen often growing up when she’d spent an afternoon drinking and reminding him of all the ways his father had been a disappointment to her. What was more telling than his mother’s body language was Kara’s, the way he could see the muscles in her body tensing up in preparation to either fight someone else or fight something off inside herself.  “What’s going on?” He began to unbutton his uniform as he approached, stepping between them despite how far Carolanne had moved away.

    “We were just catching up,” his mother answered. “Did you see Joseph?”

    “He’s fine—and somehow I don’t think you two were just catching up.” He bit his words out and touched his hand to Kara’s elbow, not surprised when she jerked away from him, her own hands curling around the edge of the counter top. He could see that her eyes were tightly shut, her chest rising in slow, deep breaths.

    “I should get going, Lee,” Kara finally forced out, not looking to him, instead taking the opposite route to slip quickly out the other entranceway.

    “I swear to the Gods, Mom,” he said and followed Kara out. She was halfway up the stairs by time he got there, and he continued to trail behind a few steps away. He found her in his bedroom—as of late, he'd started to refer to it as their bedroom—quickly forcing her shoes on with one hand, as the other held her phone to her ear, on the tail end of calling for a cab. “Kara, please, what happened?”

    “Nothing.” She hung up and slipped the phone into her pocket. “I’ve got to get back.”

    “Don’t do this, okay? I don’t know what she said to you, but she’s out of her mind half the time. You can’t listen to her, I didn’t know she was coming here.” He pleaded with her quickly, desperately. “What happened?”

    “I said, nothing!” She raised her voice to him, staring him down with the kind of ferocity she hadn’t felt in years.

    “I can’t let you go, not like this, because I’m not sure if you’ll ever come back if you leave.”

    “It would be for the best,” she said and zipped her duffel shut after stuffing a few items of clothing inside. “Tell Joseph I’m sorry I had to go, okay?” She put on a brave face, though her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

    “Kara, Gods, stop it. What the frak happened?”

    Frustrated, she tossed her sweatshirt onto the bed. “She just said what everyone’s been thinking!”

    “Who’s everyone? Because I sure as hell haven’t been thinking anything else!”

    She shook her head and gathered her bag, forgetting the sweatshirt as she forced herself past Lee, hurrying down the hall and stairs. She glanced in the living room and saw Joseph’s eyes on her. Before she could even look away, he was up on his bare feet, following her out the front door.

    “Kara! You didn’t say goodbye!”

    It was the only thing that made her stop. Her father hadn’t so much as given her that, and she’d be damned if she repeated his mistakes.  “Feel better, nugget.” She tried to feign indifference as they stood on the stoop, but she was unable to resist the urge to lean down and kiss his forehead and his cheeks. “Have a happy birthday for me.”

    “Joseph, come inside,” Lee said from a few steps back, and though the boy obeyed, he did it with a glance towards her. “I’m begging you, Kara, please stay.”

    “I can’t. I let myself believe that this could work, but it can’t and it won’t. There’s too much baggage, everything.”

    “What do I have to do?” He was desperate and gently grasped her wrist.

    She tore her arm away, cradling the offended wrist to her chest with the other hand. “Nothing. Move on, make your kid happy, forget that this happened.”

    “Haven’t you been happy here? I thought things were okay?”

    “They’ll never be okay, Lee, that’s where we differ. You think they are and I know they never will be.” She looked away, both pained and happy to see the oncoming taxi cab down the street.

    “I love you, Kara, I have for years,” he tried finally, though it was a dirty move.

    “And I loved Zak.” It was the truth, but not the whole truth.  Just what she needed to say to put the necessary distance between them so he could let her go. Maybe if he hated her it would be easier for him to let her disappear yet again. The taxi stopped and Kara opened the back door, not looking back until she was about to step inside.

    Her words hit him like a punch in the gut. All her worst fears had been brought to life through his mother earlier; hers now had the same effect on him. It hadn’t just been his sense of right and wrong that had kept him from confessing his feelings to her eight years ago. No, it had been also that he feared she would reject him. She loved his brother and maybe that was all there was to it. Maybe there would never be any room in her heart for him.  “I love you,” he repeated anyway.

    “Goodbye, Lee.”

    He stood on his lawn long after the cab disappeared. Lee knew he could have followed her down to the station where she would probably sit for a few hours, waiting for the train she needed. He could have caught her there and argued with her inside the depot or out on the platform, but part of him was certain it wouldn’t have mattered.

    When he came back to himself, he was full of rage, the unbridled kind. He found his mother in the living room with Joseph, who looked up to him with wide eyes that confessed he understood far more than people usually gave him credit for.

    “Is Kara coming back?”

    Lee ignored his son's question, meeting his mother’s gaze. “Do you understand what you did?”

    “I won’t let her wreck everything you have, I won’t let—”

    “Shut up!” he yelled, and Joseph nearly jumped, watching his father’s anger in horror. “You’ve ruined everything I’ve ever had, don’t you get it by now?”

    “You’re not innocent in this, Leland, she’s your brother’s fiancee!”

    “He’s dead, Mom! Zak’s been dead for almost a decade, but I’m still alive and so is she. She was good for him and you never wanted to see it, just like you won’t see how good she’s been for me.”

    “Daddy,” Joseph whispered, his voice shaking in sadness as he tried to calm his father down.

    “I love her!” He shouted the words at his mother, letting out a breaking sob in grief for the loss he felt.

    “You’re just confused, Lee.” She came nearer and softened her tone, a tactic that had often worked on him when he was younger and more easily swayed by his loyalty to the woman that had given him life.

    “I’m not a frakking child!” He stepped away from her, back towards the front door. “Get out. You’re not welcome here anymore. I swear to the Gods if you try to see Joseph or pick him up from school… I’ll call the frakking police.”

    She wasn’t willing to believe him and stood her ground, arms crossing over her chest, calling his bluff.

    “Get. Out.” He fished in his pocket for his phone, in no mood to actually endure one of her millions of tests she’d put him through at various points in his life.

    Carolanne gave in after another moment, collecting her purse before heading to the front door. She paused, turning back to him. “Both of you deserved better than that.” It was the last thing she said, pulling the door shut as she left.

    Lee leaned into his side of the closed front door, forehead pressed into the lacquered wood.

    “Daddy,” Joseph said, tugging at Lee’s uniform. “It’s okay.” It was the first time he’d ever seen his father display so much raw emotion and he knew there was something inherently wrong with it. Joseph didn’t know how to fix it, or even what to do to soothe his own questions, so he simply drew himself towards his father. “Grandma didn’t mean it, she’s sorry.” Things were bathed in a simpler black and white for him.

    Lee wiped his sleeve over his face, leaning down to pick up his son. He regretted letting Joseph see him like that and no apologies would remove the memory of it from his son’s head, so he let it go. “You feeling better?”

    He nodded into Lee’s shoulder. “Kara didn’t eat her soup.”

    “She had to go,” he replied.

    “Can she come to my birthday?”

    Lee squeezed Joseph gently and carried him back to the living room where he sat on the couch, his son cradled in his lap. “She’s got a lot of work to do,” he lied rather than explain it all to him, since he was unsure if he could ever promise his son that she would willingly see them both again.

  
—

  
  “Class dismissed, I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Kara piled up the papers in front of her as the students began filing out slowly, loud chatter filling the room as they finished for the day. She paid them no mind as she shoved her belongings into her bag until there was a sudden deafening silence over the room. When she looked up she saw them all in the middle of a rigid salute, elbows folded and arms crisp and straight. The source of such attention stepped through the crowd as the students parted and watched, voyeurs to whatever reason the unknown Major had for seeking out their instructor.

    Kara snapped her own salute up, perhaps even more carefully than the nuggets. It was the first time she’d ever saluted him in her life and both of them knew she wasn’t actually doing it out of respect but out of a kind of defiance. Another wall between them.

    Lee returned her gesture weakly and without heart. “Listen, Kara…” He started but turned back to see some of the students still lingering in the class, hoping to hear what they could about their teacher’s private life. “I believe the Captain said that you were dismissed,” he said, and this time they did obey. He didn’t dare open his mouth again until he heard the click of the door in the doorframe, signaling that they were alone. Kara doubletimed her packing, giving her clearance to treat him without the decorum that protocol said she must observe.

    He’d given her a little over two weeks to cool off, hoping that she would reach out  to fix what had happened between them. It wasn’t a surprise that she hadn’t, so when he finally mustered up enough courage, he’d come to see her himself. A phone call wouldn’t have ever been enough.

    “Don’t even start, Lee. You and I both know it wouldn’t be the first time I hit a Major.”  She wouldn’t allow herself to look at him, her attention everywhere else. Kara turned to the whiteboard behind her, picking up the eraser to remove evidence that she’d been there at all.

    “I miss you.” He leaned against the edge of her desk and watched her. His arms crossed over the blue fabric of his uniform, finding its confines unbelievably tight all of a sudden. “I didn’t come here for me.” Lee saw her arm falter as it swiped over the board. “I mean, I did, but I knew you wouldn’t give me the time of day.” He withdrew a small folded card from his pocket, setting it on her bare desk. “You don’t have to come, but I know it would mean a lot to Joseph if you did. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want, but I need you to know my mother won’t be there.” He was more than mortified for the things his mother had said to her. Carolanne had been one of the few parts of his life he’d never been able to control. Like Kara, he thrived on making sure he had as much control as he could, for not entirely different reasons than she had.  He continued to talk.

    “My mom… she’s got her problems. She may not have been drinking when she came over, but it’s started to bleed over into every part of her life the last few years.” He had his own family secrets, things they never talked about, and admitting some of it aloud, even to Kara, was taking its toll on him. “I’m sorry, and for what it’s worth, I don’t believe any of the things she said.”

    “Just let it go. We had fun but I knew it wouldn’t ever really work. I let you convince me it would when I should’ve listened to myself.”

    “I don’t agree.” He stood up, shifting his weight between his feet before tapping his knuckles on the card he’d left on the desk. “Like I said, it would mean a lot.”

    She watched him step away and set the eraser down. “You could have sent it in the mail. Didn’t have to waste your afternoon coming out here.”

    Lee had the door open as he turned around, hands slipping into his pockets. “Yeah, I could’ve, but I wanted to see you.”

    When the door clicked shut again, Kara let herself pick up the card. It was fairly bare and the inside was handwritten in a flowery script she assumed belonged to Gianne. A date. A time. She looked back to the door where she’d seen him last and palmed the card into her chest. He’d driven the two hours or so just to see her for a few minutes; in a very unlike Lee moment, he hadn’t pushed. There was something about it that resonated in her. He’d made himself clear without going too far, respecting the boundaries she’d drawn again without even telling him about.

    Kara wasn’t sure if she’d be at the party only a few days away, but she had an idea that maybe she wanted to be.

—

    “Frak me,” Kara said as she tossed the paper into the passenger seat. She’d followed the written instructions and still managed to lose her way, proving that her sense of direction in the cockpit didn’t exactly translate well on the ground. She was running late, well beyond the bounds of any kind of acceptable tardiness, and she didn’t have anything or anyone to blame it on except herself. There hadn’t been traffic or an accident along the way, or a present to pick up since she’d actually done that a few weeks ago, before the whole mess with her and Carolanne Adama. There hadn’t been a party planned back then, but she knew Joseph’s fifth birthday approached and she wasn’t going to be caught off guard without a gift to bring a smile to his lips.

    She’d stared at it every day since then, still in the bag under her desk in her quarters, although it had begun to stop representing the happiness it was to bring the boy and instead reflected the stirring of fear she began to feel when she thought of having to face Lee again. Kara thought about mailing it, boxing it up and sending it to Gianne’s or Lee’s with a note, or even just not giving it at all, but all the other options left her unsatisfied. No, she knew she’d have to bring it herself. Not for her, not for Lee, but for the little boy that was a bystander in the complicated life of Kara Thrace.  Joseph’s grandmother had warned Kara to stay away from Lee, but maybe she had also meant to stay away from his son. She didn’t know Joseph that well, and maybe it was presumptuous of her to think so, but she imagined that her departure had left some small missing piece from his life, a piece that would still be there had she never forced her way in.

    Kara stopped at the corner, her car creeping forward as she looked for any kind of street sign. The usual marker was missing but she caught a glimpse of a dense population of cars parked on the street, far more than anyone would expect for normal circumstances. She turned the wheel, following the new road, and a few multi-colored balloons waved in the breeze from a nearby mailbox. Kara parked behind the last car and turned the ignition off. She released the seatbelt, hands folding down the visor to view herself in the small mirror. Fingers wiped under her eyes then fluffed her hair, restoring a kind of life that she didn’t truly feel. The last thing she wanted to do was to show up to the party later than anything, looking out of place and a complete mess. Her resolve faltered the longer she stared at herself in the mirror so she forced it away, opening the car door as she exited quickly with the present under one arm.

    She idly played with the wrapping paper around the box, pushing it into place like it would correct the shoddy job she’d done a few hours earlier. It had been years since she’d actually wrapped a present of any kind and the lack of crisp corners was a testament to it. In so many ways she was unlike her usual self as she slowly made her way down the block, self-conscious of the bow taped to the top of the present and the way the fabric of her short dress clung when a gust of wind caught it. She tugged at the hem, fighting not to turn back as she contemplated whether two inches or so above her knee was far too short for a child’s birthday party. What did adults even wear to something like this? The last birthday celebration she’d attended involved shots and getting so drunk she’d barely made it back to her quarters before passing out, not wondering if the mothers of the other children would judge her for not understanding the unsaid rules of the functions.

    It took a few rings of the doorbell before anyone actually answered, and though she expected it to be Gianne, it wasn’t. It was perhaps the one person she did need to see—the Old Man.

    “Starbuck,” he said with the kind of warmth she only felt around him.

    “Sir,” she offered lamely, her hand drawn up in an instinctive salute, but he pulled her into his arms before her fingers even met her forehead.

    “We didn’t think you would make it.”

    She followed him inside as he led the way, though the house was far too empty and quiet for the number of cars she’d seen out front.

    “Everyone’s in the backyard,” he answered her like he could read her mind. “I can’t believe how long it’s been. You should’ve come to see me when you got back to Caprica.”

    “Just… been busy.” It was an attempt at an excuse she didn’t have. She had intended to visit him, but when she started to see Lee it became easier to avoid him rather than to have to explain whatever it was existed between her and his other son. “How’s retirement?”

    “Awful!” He laughed boisterously in a way she was sure he never had done in all the time she knew him before. Certainly never as the Commander of a battlestar. “I don’t know what to do with myself half the time. I thought I’d enjoy it, have free time to go fishing at my father’s cabin, but do you realize how boring it is when you’re sitting out there alone all day?”

    She didn’t have to force a smile as she listened to him speak. Kara hadn’t met him before Zak’s death, but part of her always wished she had been able to see father and son together. Zak had some of his mother in him, but whenever she looked at the man that used to be her Commander, she always saw the reflection of Zak in his features. Perhaps that had been another reason why she’d been so drawn to Adama after Zak’s death. Practically the only differences between them were the color of their eyes, the pock marks on the Old Man’s face, and the fact that Zak hadn’t worn glasses, though she suspected with age he would’ve needed them too. “I can’t get used to life back on the ground either.”

    They stopped a few feet shy of the closed patio doors, the glass drowning out the sounds of children playing and adults talking. Adama looked to her, sensing her apprehension, and touched his hand gently to her arm. Kara looked up to him with wide eyes that didn’t hide a thing. 

    “Not sure if I belong here,” she confessed quietly.

    “My grandson invited you, of course you do.”

    “Commander…” That would be one thing she’d never be able to shake. He’d been her close friend and higher-ranking officer for years, she doubted that the need to treat him with that kind of respect would ever leave her.

    He gave her the courtesy of turning his attention back towards outside as he spoke. “I know about you and Lee already, and about what happened with my ex-wife.”

    In some ways she was thankful that she wouldn’t have to explain it to him. From a young age she’d been taught to swallow down treatment like that from others without complaint. She learned it from her mother first and only as she got older did she start to use her fists as a response. However, hitting Carolanne Adama wasn’t exactly an option for her. The one thing she knew was that you didn’t go ratting out a person for what they’d said or done and you didn’t show the kind of emotion the instigator always wanted to get out of you. With Adama’s ex-wife, she’d violated all those rules and she felt shame for having other people know she couldn’t take care of it herself or just learn to ignore it.

    “The rest of us, we don’t agree with her. You know that, don’t you?” He finally looked back to her, blue eyes identical to those that belonged to his only living son and of course, his solitary grandchild.

    “I know.” Kara’s voice was small and she wiped away a tear with her hand. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t believe it, too.”

    “Kara,” he shook his head and set his palms to her shoulders, barely covered in the blue cap sleeves of her dress. “I didn’t know you when you were with Zak, only the person you became afterward. I know you now, and I would’ve been happy to welcome you into our family then.”

    She suspected a ‘but’ was coming and she held her breath as she waited for the other shoe to drop.

    “Whatever it is you have with Lee, or had if that really is the case, you’re both adults, and it’s no one else’s place to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. But—” His fingers touched the curve of her jawline. “I couldn’t imagine someone better for Lee than you. That’s just one old man’s opinion.”  He smiled and it  brought forward a smile from her, despite her red-rimmed eyes. “You look beautiful. Now go say hello before my son breaks his neck with how many times he’s looked around to see if you were here.”

    Kara hugged him one-handedly, the other still cradling the gift she’d brought. “Thank you.” Even before her mother had died, she’d felt like an orphan for most of her life. Her time on Galactica had been different, and for once in her life she’d felt like someone else had truly been looking out for her. They’d never shared such ideas aloud, but Kara knew he considered her to be his daughter as much as she felt him to be the father figure she’d never really known.

    With a final nod, they headed outside and parted ways. Kara looked for Lee, but couldn’t spot him through the throngs of parents and extended family members. She didn’t know a soul except those who went by the last name Adama and of course, Gianne, who waved, motioning her over.

“Kara, this is Henry. Henry, Kara.”

    She extended her hand to greet the man with a shake. His face wasn’t familiar, but by his closeness to Gianne and the name she’d heard more than a few times, Kara knew he was the man Gianne had been seeing and disappeared on holiday with the few weeks prior.

    “I never got to thank you for taking care of Joseph when he was sick.” Gianne's tone was genuine, in contrast to their first crossing of paths.

    “He’s a great kid, I didn’t mind.” Awkward tension bubbled just beneath the surface, and she suddenly felt bare in the spotlight. Put her as acting CAG in a pilots’ brief or in a boxing ring, and Kara could command attention like no other. Put her in a dress around complete strangers at a child’s birthday party and things were entirely different.

    “Lee told me something happened with Carolanne…”

    She felt furious at once, the lack of control she had in sharing her private problems stirring within her. Her blood boiled and the last thing she wanted to do was to listen to Gianne lecture her on it, but when she felt the touch of the other woman’s cool hand to her forearm, she was grounded again. Suddenly able to focus without all the rest.

    “I wanted to tell you that I know how she is, she’s hard to get along with. Lee and I planned not to get married, but she pushed the idea on us for so long. Said that it was only right that we be married if we were having a child and eventually we gave in for her sake. We realized pretty quick it wasn’t the right choice for us. You wouldn’t believesome of the things she said to both of us when we were splitting up.” Gianne pulled her hand back to herself as she continued to speak in the quiet tone of voice meant only for her and Kara and the mutual understanding both women now had.  “Lee’s been a mess since everything happened. I know everyone thinks ex-wives aren’t supposed to encourage other women to see their ex-husbands, but if it had to be someone, I’d be happy it was you. I don’t know you that well, but you’ve proven to me that I can trust you with them.”

    It was more than the two of them had ever talked before, and probably more important than anything else they’d previously shared in passing. Kara felt a kind of jealousy when it came to Gianne in lots of ways, for having had Lee, for having Joseph, and for having a life that seemed quite perfect from the outside. She’d never thought that Carolanne may not have approved of Gianne and the situation they had gotten themselves into five years ago. Kara was stunned by the confession. “Have you seen him?“ She nearly choked on her words, clearing her throat as she clarified what she meant. “Lee?”

    “I think he’s getting the cake ready,” Henry gestured toward the picnic table set up in the clearing.

    Kara bowed out from the conversation, apologizing as she squeezed her way past those that blocked her path. She could hear Joseph’s wild laughter, catching him playing amongst the friends he’d so often told her about on the weekends she visited.

    Lee was bent over the sheet cake, heaps of icing decorating the edges while frosting balloons covered most of the rest, save for the area that wished Joseph a happy fifth birthday. He opened the pack of candles and stuck them along the top edge, placing the sixth candle in the very center. One for luck. Lee stood back up to his full height; sensing he was no longer alone, he glanced to his left, seeing her out of the corner of his eye. “Kara?”

    “It’s a good-looking cake. What do I have to do to get a corner piece?”

    Lee reached forward and lifted the knife from where it sat. “Know the guy who cuts the cake.”

    She bumped her shoulder into his. He returned it back, smiling as he turned to watch her.

    “I’m sorry,” Kara whispered.

    “No, I’m the one who is.” He set the knife back down and brushed his hand through the ends of her hair. It had grown about an inch and a half or so since he’d kissed her months earlier, when the weather hadn’t been quite so hot. “Can’t believe you’re wearing a dress.”

    Kara tossed her head back in laughter, hand lightly pushing at his arm in retaliation. “I can clean up sometimes, just don’t get used to it.”

    “I wonder what your nuggets would say if they saw you like this…” He mused aloud, obviously teasing.

    “Ha ha, Lee.” She heard the distant voice of Gianne calling the children, hands clapping to get their attention. It was time for cake, and in seconds they’d be swarmed by the tiny bodies that made up Joseph’s fellow preschool students. They had a minute left alone at best, and she intended not to let it go to waste. “Can we be okay?”

    “We’re okay.” Lee leaned in and she met him halfway, their lips moist as they joined in a chaste kiss. There were children around, after all. Kara pulled back and the first thing she saw was Lee, the way he saw her as if she was the only other thing around him. Watching him watching her. It was a look she’d missed since her quick getaway.

    Adults and children gathered about the table, and it was another moment before the birthday boy pushed his way through, his eyes alight when he found Kara. “You came!” Joseph said as he hugged her legs.

    “Of course I did, Linus.” Kara opted to act as if nothing had happened over the past few weeks, like he hadn’t been aware of her extended absence. If there were questions to be answered, now wasn’t the time. “I couldn’t miss your birthday,” she said, and it no longer surprised her how genuinely she felt the words. She crouched down until they were at eye level, hugging him back just as tightly as he did to her. “I brought you a present you can open later.”

    He nodded in understanding, his attention only leaving her when his father’s hand patted his head. “She came,” Joseph said to his father as quietly as he could manage, like it was some kind of secret between them.

    “You were right, and you can brag about it after you blow out your candles.” His eyes met with Kara’s as she stood up, his cheeks warm in a reaction that wasn’t caused by the heat of the sun above. With Gianne having already busily lit each candle, he lifted Joseph and set him on the space of bench left empty for the birthday boy. As the large group began to sing happy birthday, Lee’s hand sought out Kara’s, content only when their fingers threaded together. 

—

    Lee’s house sang with the kind of silence that Kara had so rarely found there before. There was no child in it that night, no five-year-old to fill the walls with the echo of laughter and the sounds of imagination. It was an emptiness that wasn’t physical, since Joseph’s belongings still littered the living room and kitchen counters. Kara’s fingertips ran over the sharp edges of a popsicle-stick-framed drawing the child had made for his father. The scribbles of crayon were hardly identifiable, but if she squinted and cocked her head slightly, she was sure she could make out what were supposed to be a few people, all looking rather similar to the others with their oblong heads and stick-like appendages.

    “What are you thinking about?” Lee said as he joined her.

    “Huh?” Her eyes blinked rapidly as she forced herself out of theoretical thoughts and back to reality.

    “You’re smiling.”

    Being caught only made it worse, the muscles in her cheeks forcing her lips even wider in the kind of grin that no one, not even Kara Thrace, could fight off in the end. “Your kid won’t be going to art school any time soon.”

    He laughed. “Probably something else he got from me.”

    Kara’s hand dropped from the picture, one of many that covered the surface of the appliance.

    “Can I get you…?” Lee asked, his hand on the handle of the fridge, looking to seek out whatever she could want, although it was more of an icebreaker than anything else.

    “No.” Kara sighed loudly and stepped back. “Lee—” She felt like a machine, caught in a loop and unable to move on with what actually needed to be done, or in this case, said. “Can I talk to you?”

    “I thought that’s what we were doing.” The corner of his mouth tugged upwards, hinting at the tone of his words.

    “Lee.” She tried to be stern and reprimand him, but laughed despite herself. Leave it to him to not be serious the first moment she ever really wanted to be.

    “Let’s go outside at least, too good of an evening to let it go to waste.”

    Out on the back patio, cracked cement beneath their feet, Lee sat down on one of the pair of lounge chairs, moaning aloud as tired muscles were able to relax for the first time all day. Thirty-two and he already knew the aches and pains associated with age, or at least with wrangling fifteen four- and five-year-olds for the entire afternoon. He shut his eyes to savor it for an extra moment, but felt the material beneath him shift and stretch from added weight. Kara knelt along the edge; his hands raised, palms open and inviting, and pulled her to him. It took some maneuvering, less than elegant in the length of her dress, but she came to rest across his lap, leaned against his chest with her head comfortably resting into his neck and shoulder.

    She could feel the rise and fall of his chest, steady and strong. It was like her body knew his instinctively, the familiar swell of his lungs complementary to her own breathing pattern and instilling the kind of deep-seated comfort she hadn’t ever had in her life before, except when it came to the man beneath her or his brother, long since departed.  Her palm rubbed against his neck, thumb soothing over the light prickle of his jaw. His job and position demanded he be clean cut on a daily basis. It was Sundays that had become her favorite as a result, because he’d foregone the shaving portion of his daily ritual for her all weekend long. There was something about that scrape of roughness against her skin that she’d never be able to confuse with anyone else, a sense memory for Lee and Lee alone.

    “What did you want to talk about?” Lee exhaled deeply and breathed in with the same amount of strength, inhaling the mix of Kara's soap and skin reserved only for moments of such closeness.

    All of that determination she’d feigned in the kitchen had left her with the sun’s final rays splayed over their skin. All she could focus on was the way his thumb drew circles over her upper thigh, his hand cloaked beneath the fabric of her skirt. Saying a word that could possibly disrupt it seemed like the worst idea she’d ever had, but for just this once, Kara knew playing things close to the chest wasn’t the way things needed to be.

    “I’m sorry I left—that I didn’t call or...”

    Lee sensed these were words she was struggling on getting out at all, so he didn’t dare interrupt.

    “…I didn’t come today for you or for me, to try to fix things with us. I got up this morning and just like every day the last few weeks, I knew that whatever we had was over.” Her fingers tugged gently at his collar, straightening out the fabric, smoothing it over and over between her fingers in an attempt to force a little wrinkle out. It was easier to talk to him like this, when her body had something else to focus on besides the need for earth beneath her feet as she put more distance between them and she needn’t endure his scrutinizing gaze as she chewed over her words in thought. “But I got there, Lee,” Kara said at barely more than a whisper. “And I didn’t want it to be over anymore. I know that tomorrow, part of me will kick myself for all of this. I’ll say I was an idiot and try to go, but I want you to know that I don’t want to. No matter what I say tomorrow or the next day, where I want to be is right here.”

    He kissed into her hair, breathing her in. “So I won’t let you talk yourself out of it.”

    “It’s never that easy.” Her hand stopped at her ministrations over his shirt, fingers gripping into the fabric on his shoulder, like if she squeezed hard enough she could make herself permanently a part of him, a piece she wouldn’t be able to tear away from. “I loved Zak,” Kara’s hand tensed a little more as she used it for leverage to pull herself in closer to him, shutting her eyes along the way. “I’ll never not love him. He was the first person in my life that made me realize someone could actually look at me and see nothing wrong, nothing that disappointed them, nothing that they wanted to change about me. I don’t even look at myself and think that, and then I met him, and everything just felt okay. And when he died, I had nothing else. It was worse than before because I knew what it was like to have that and then it was gone. When I lost him, I lost everything about myself too.”

    Lee pulled her tighter in his arms, both for her comfort and for his.

    “I only just started to figure out who I was and then I didn’t even want to be me anymore, I didn’t want to be her. Kara Thrace. Whoever that girl is, I couldn’t do it.” She stopped, sniffling quietly to herself. “I’ve spent years doing whatever I could to drown her out and it scares me because if I’m with you I have to get to know her again. You deserve someone complete. Someone whole.”

    “Do you think I’m not in a million pieces every day?” Lee waited to hear if she’d respond, but as he expected, she kept quiet. “I get by and do my job, I take care of my son and pay my bills, but I’ve never, not ever felt like things made sense for me until the last few months. For the last ten years, the one thing I’ve wanted has been something I couldn’t have. Now that I’ve had you, the reality doesn’t even compare to the dream. All of this, it’s been better than I ever could have imagined, whether you’re a part or a whole, whether you’re happy as you are or want to be something more.”

    Her eyes clenched tightly shut, Kara fought her hardest not to let him hear the audible cry she was desperate to let out, nor feel the tremor of her chest as emotion took hold. “What I said when I left, it wasn’t the whole truth. I loved him, Lee, but there’s room for you. I knew that a long time ago.”

    Lee’s hand slipped from her thigh down to her knee, repeating the broad sweeps over her skin. The afternoon had been warm, but now there was a light chill in the air. If he was feeling it, he knew she had to be as well. “I don’t want to keep doing this back and forth forever. We’re okay for awhile and something from our past comes back to haunt us.”

    She shook her head and lifted it, sitting up a little straighter to regard him for the first time since they’d begun talking. Her fingers occupied themselves in the hair behind his ear, stroking the short dark strands. “I know. And that’s why I want this to be permanent,” she spoke with newly found conviction.

    “What are you saying?”

    “Not what you’re thinking.” Her eyelashes fluttered rapidly at even the subtle hint to the M-word. “I don’t think I’ll ever want that. But this place, I want to come _home_ on the weekends, Lee. To both of you.”

    The backs of his fingers stroked against her cheek, not missing the way she leaned in to his touch. “Where’s all this coming from?”

    Kara thought about the last few days, months, even years. All the things that had changed for her and for him while life in the Colonies continued on by, the leaves falling and suns setting like clockwork to indicate the time passed. He’d grown up and had a child, a marriage and a divorce, a new life on his own once again. For her, she’d worked and taught, seen a few planets and moons she’d never been to before, and more than anything, Kara had gotten to know the loneliness a life of relative solitude offered her. She had friends scattered across the Colonies, some with their own families and some without, people that made her smile and brought her soul alight just being in their presence. It was comforting, but she knew it was no longer enough. Kara had let her dwindling supply of anger keep her going through her days, and for the second time in her life, she knew that she could have something else as her fuel to get by. It was within her grasp.

    “Maybe it’s like you said, months ago. I finally know what I want.”

    And though around them Caprica had finally been plunged into darkness, the constellations above them burning bright, Lee, nor Kara, could find any reason to pull their eyes off each other.


End file.
